Having a “choice” to get up and go to church on Sunday morning has been one of the most interesting and unnerving experiences I’ve had since I left working “for” a specific church, and began attending church as a “volunteer” once again.

For over a decade I woke up every Sunday “having to” go to church because it was my job. Then in 1996 that all changed. I became a “pastor in the pew” who’s full time “paid” ministry took place outside of the congregation where I was worshipping. And I wish I knew then, what I know now….

Dave Shepherd, a friend at a church I served back in the 80’s, once told me what I’m about to tell you, -only at the time I didn’t understand how important his advice was. 

Dave said, “Neil, every Sunday you need to remind me why I should be here, and give me a reason why I should come back.”

At the time I gave him the “trained & paid pastor answer” …something along the lines of ”because God calls us to worship.” But the truth is, I didn’t fully understand Dave’s question because I was being paid to come to worship. (Of course, at the time, you couldn’t have convinced me that I didn’t fully “get it.”)

Only after these 12+ years of being a “pastor in the pews,” rather than on staff, have I FINALLY figured out what Dave was getting at…

Dave was a volunteer member who had a choice every Sunday, every Thursday night, every Saturday morning TO ATTEND SOMETHING or NOT TO ATTEND. He was a really busy guy, and he also had a busy family life. That’s me too. And now that I’m essentially a “volunteer attender” as opposed to being “paid staff who has to come,”  and now having spent the last year “in-between” churches, attending them to find a new one, NOW I finally understand what he meant. …I finally “get why” his question/answer to me was so important. It’s amazing how many “legitimate” reasons you can come up with to NOT go to church some Sundays and some weeknights, –and STILL “feel like” (and maybe even “be”) a reasonably faithful Christian.

Oh, I KNOW all the reasons why that feeling is theologically wrong, …preached and teached it, my friend! But this is EXACTLY why I want to talk about this subject with STAFF PEOPLE who have forgotten what it’s like to have a REAL weekly choice about church.  …And how it plays out even more when you’re looking for a new church.  

Here’s a list of excuses I have used at one time or another during the past 12 years as an active participant in a congregation…

-health. If I don’t feel 100%, I may stay home. As a pastor, I went to “work” even when I didn’t feel good. And if my spouse or child was sick, it was even easier not to go.  

-your job. When I work a lot of hours the previous week or weekend, I can easily justify vegging-out some Sundays. And if your spouse works Saturdays or Sundays, it gets even easier. When I was a pastor on staff, I thought this was a lame excuse. But as a husband who’s wife works the occasional 12 hour weekend shift, church on Sunday morning isn’t always possible or desirable.

-family activities. Sometimes the weekend is so packed that something has to give. An out-of-town soccer match (which I’m not going to apologize for because organized sports can be a wonderful thing for a young person), grandma’s birthday party, and major weekend chores are not the enemy, they’re the reality.

-desire for a break. Sometimes being a member can be a bit overwhelming. Some churches wear you out.

-frustration with church. It’s easier to come up with any of the excuses on this list when you think the pastor or church has done something wrong, or aren’t doing certain things particularly right. I’ve experienced this many times.

-dressing up. Sometimes you just don’t want to get dressed up and go anywhere, especially if you’re good shirt or pants aren’t ironed (or worse, your wife’s clothes aren’t). This was worse when my daughters were younger and more concerned about their appearance (a reality). For us, being part of a ‘more casual’ church was a necessity. 

-the weather.  The nicer it is, the louder the birds are chirping, the easier it is to feel like morning on the back porch with a cup of coffee and the Sunday paper are God’s gift to your soul. Honestly, sometimes my spirituality needs quiet time, not cheezy organ playing time.

-sleeping in. Sometimes you owe it to yourself. Or you need it. Or you just do it. Not all of us are morning people, especially if your job makes you get up early 5 days a week. 

-I tired of what you present over and over again. Sometimes church worship is truly “average,” or uninspired, or poorly led.  Or the message is poor, or the music is tedious. Or it’s nearly the same all the time.  What staff are paid to create and coordinate, sometimes looks like what I could have done for free in half the time. And that undermines your sense of “needing to” be there, because you know that 2 out of 4 Sundays you’re NOT going to leave challenged or changed or feeling like you did more than “doing your duty.”  Yes, this is a dumb feeling. Theologically wrong. Be it’s a human feeling, so it can’t be ignored. Dave was trying to tell me this. As one of the pastor-leaders, I needed to pay more attention to EXPLAINING rather than ASSUMING. Or maybe as Jesus would have put it… make the sword sharper.

Some of my ”Sundays off” left me feeling a bit guilty. Felt like something was missing. But there were other Sundays I didn’t feel guilty or unfulfilled at all. And why should I? I’m the product of decades of preaching that emphasized the forgiveness and grace of God!

As a pastor I believed 110% in the value of “corporate worship.” But as a volunteer in the pew, it’s easier to be less convinced of that imperative, especially when “corporate” worship gets stale. As a volunteer I have found myself more willing to find spiritual nourishment outside of that imperative.

Let me reiterate: for me it’s not a spiritual problem. And it wasn’t for Dave either. What Dave and I need are reminders AND good reasons to overcome our humanness and competing priorities. When it’s your job to be there, it’s a settled question. And thus, the PASTOR has as much to overcome as the volunteer attender.

Things that would help….

1.  Give us something we have to DO on Sunday, other than just come sit in the pew.
Being a Sunday School teacher was one of the BEST WAYS to get me up on Sunday morning. It is almost like being on staff. You know people are counting on you. The choir people have this figured out too. And now that I’ve been looking for a new church, not having that class I gotta get up and teach, I miss it (I love teaching), and I miss how it helped me “be there.”

2. Give us VARIETY. Create a sense of expectation, and occasionally surprise us with something different. Resist the impulse here, dear pastor, to believe that the HONUS of expectations is all on the worshipper and not on the paid & trained worship leader.  Make the experience more compelling for those who don’t have the luxury of being paid to show up.  Over the years, the worship I was active in as a volunteer was sortof bland, but it put up with it because of other things in that congregation that were better. But when I left that church, I’ve since found that ‘visiting’ a bland church only leaves you looking for more, not joining.

3. Give us ALTERNATE and ALTERNATIVE OPPORTUNITIES to Worship. Stop putting our worship attendance all in the basket labeled “Sunday morning” and “same-old thing.” You don’t have to run out and create Saturday evening services, but how about mid week or Sunday evening services on occasion? (and get us involved helping you do it).

4. Don’t let congregational problems FESTER, or grievances go unaddressed. Nothing undermines good intentions and positive feelings faster. See my other ‘on the lam’ blog posts about that. As a visitor who has just come from a church with some problems, I was turned off by problems I heard about in the churches I visited.

5. Everyone likes to be “missed.” Leaders need to know who’s coming to worship, and who is NOT coming.  See my posts in this blog about the “Wide Open Backdoor” and the “Wide Open Side Door” and what to do about them. As I slipped out the backdoor of my former church, few really noticed at the time. As a visitor… you’re almost invisible. Read my posts about that!

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Now for something important to admit and learn from:

There’s a slip ‘n slide on a slope outside the church’s backdoor.

When you’re “in-between” church memberships, as my family has been this past year, -all of the above excuses are EVEN EASIER to use. As you may have read in this blog, my family and I left our church of the past 10 years and have been trying several different churches. In some ways, it’s been our own mini-Exodus.

This mini-Exodus has taught me is how easy it is when you are NOT a member of a particular church, to let a Sunday, or two, or even three SLIDE into “maybe next week.”  You begin to say things like, “well, WHEN we find a new church things will be different.”  But let me tell you, -finding a new church isn’t that easy.  

And like the Exodus story, the deeper into the wilderness you go, the easier it is to justify the wandering.  You get used to it. You start to become acclimated to the desert. You let other things fill the void,  ….and then, you also discover God is out there with you in the void. That your faith can function without a weekly sermon. And you don’t feel so bad.

The slope is slipperier than paid-staff realize. 

From my own experience, I can see how the longer you’re away, the easier it gets to redefine your spirituality as something that’s possible apart from a specific church.  …..And when you visit other churches and don’t get a good feeling of connection, thoughts begin to roll through your mind about whether church is really as important to you as you thought. 

My advice: work with Dave while you still have him! Keep him off the slippery slope!

<>< Neil