“Missed you last Sunday“
Seems harmless. But to many of us coming in the door, it comes across as passive aggressive, -judgmental. “Missed you last Sunday” sounds a lot like, “You should have been here.”
Worse, it sounds too much like our mother saying, “Where were you last night?” And indeed, some pastors and parishioners I’ve met mean it exactly like that. They didn’t really miss you. They want to know why you weren’t there. And even if they don’t, that’s what it makes you feel like. …and nobody likes that feeling.
I accept that some pastors say “Missed you” without even thinking about it, and probably without any twinge of judgementalism. But the effect is often the same: you feel judged. So I offer this advice:
There are some things a pastor SHOULDN’T SAY,
….and “Missed you last Sunday” is one of them.
The problem isn’t just with the pastor. Well-meaning (?) CHURCH members often say the same thing, only they’ll come right out and say, “Where were you?” In fact, in every church there seems to be one person who excels at it, and I know exactly who it is at my church (and indeed, when I was on staff, it was regrettably sometimes me).
I find it interesting that even when I have a “good” excuse –I still feel a bit defensive and guilty when someone “misses” me. And no, that’s not just me, ask around. (Update: an hour after I posted this someone emailed and said “me too!”)
About the only two “good” excuses people seem to accept are: “I was out of town,” and “I wasn’t feeling well.” God-forbid I slept in, or overslept, or went diving, or went out to breakfast, or went to watch my kid play in a soccer tournament.
Funny thing is, if I say, “I wasn’t feeling well”, they understand. But if I say, “I’ve been tired and needed to sleep in”, or, “my daughter and I wanted to go diving and it was her only day off,” then I’m probably in for a “must be nice” response.
Okay, some of those excuses are probably not “good” excuses, but choosing to occasionally do something different than going to church is not a “bad” excuse either. In fact, I hate the fact that I’m even using the word “excuse” here. Attendance is not a measure of godliness. (See my “thought” question at the end for more on this).
Aside: When I was a church staff minister, I wasn’t fully aware and paid little attention to the SUBTLE POWER I had to CONVEY GUILT. And since leaving the pulpit to reside in the pew, I’ve come to appreciate how MY attendance not voluntary, but PAID FOR. For 20 years it wasn’t an option to NOT be there, except when I was on vacation. Now that I’m a pastor in the pew, volunteering on staff (while running my CE software company during the week), I have a REAL CHOICE not to go to church. It was an eye-opener for sure, and there are many other posts in this blog about WHAT ELSE I’ve learned.
I know from experience that many people feel the same way I do about this subject. And if REGULAR MEMBERS feel this way, imagine how the “irregular” members feel when we ask them where they’ve been? (in our subtle ways, of course). In fact, with our irregular members, “Missed You” could be doing more harm than good.
Why? Because nobody likes to feel guilty or judged, …even if you didn’t intend to make them feel that way.
Guilt often backfires, especially among those of us reared under “Grace” instead of “Damnation”. We don’t equate NOT being there with lack of faith. Problem is, we still feel guilty about it. (Such is life.)
So my point is, DON’T HELP US by making us feel MORE guilty. Rather, LISTEN to what we’re saying to you. Listen to how we spent our time, or what we felt our needs were, and respond to those.
____
I’m especially concerned about how we unwittingly GUILT the kids and teens…
Years ago, I had this conversation with one of the teens at our church. Only later did I realize how it had affected her, and what a missed opportunity it was for me as her minister.
Amy: (slinking in another door to enter the Sanctuary)
Neil: Hi Amy, Can you come to Youth Group tonight? (he said walking towards her)
Amy: No, sorry, I’m running tonight.
Neil: (not listening) Oh, well, we miss you in youth group. We’re playing volleyball tonight.
Amy: Sounds like fun. I feel awful about not being able to come.
Neil: Well, maybe next Sunday.
Amy: (Cringing) Oh, sorry, I can’t make that either, I’m so sorry Neil! (Amy goes into Worship.)
The following week I found out that Amy was in the state track meet and won first place in the mile. Sunday night was training, and the following Sunday was the meet.
What I should have done and said was affirm her, ….and brought the youth group to see her! But all I did was end up with a kid who avoided me most Sundays, because nobody likes to feel like a slacker.
___________________________________________
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
How many of your members feel guilty about not attending sometimes?
What will they tell you are the subtle ways the church/pastor “makes them” feel this way?
What are some better ways to inquire about people’s lives without sounding like “missed you last Sunday?”
____________________________________________
Advertisement: I made a software game about “The Importance of Going to Church.” It’s called, Attack of the Sunday School Zombies CD, www.sundaysoftware.com/zombies, and deals with the ‘excuses’ some people make for not going, and the poor attitude some people bring with when they DO go! (How funny is that?)
