I offer it in the spirit of “don’t let this happen to you, -or to families in your church.” At the end of this post I also offer suggestions for dealing with families/kids in your church who are dealing with old wounds.

I’ve also addressed in another post how “negative priming” affects our children and youth. You can read it at http://sundayresources.net/neil/2011/01/20/priming-the-science-behind-sunday-school/

______________________________

When we left our last church, it was emotionally wrenching for my wife and I.  But what we didn’t know at the time was how damaging it would be to two of our three children.

My wife and I recovered from that bad experience, and landed in a nice church. But for my oldest daughter, it happened at the wrong time in her life and when she shoved away from that church, she shoved away from all churches. This was a kid who grew up in a fantastic church experience… until we moved to another church which wasn’t so hot.

By the time the “not so hot” church experience was coming to a head and we were in the process of leaving it, my oldest was finishing college, –which isn’t the best time to feel connected to a church anywa.  As we were in that process, both she and her parents (us) starting seeing how several POOR EXPERIENCES she had had in that church as a teenager had become part of why we were deciding to leave.  My point here is that her parents decision to leave cemented in HER mind an opinion about “the Church” that has kept her at an arm’s length ever since.

This is one of the points here… that leaving a church can affect kids differently than adults. We processed it as “a failed church experience” whereas, she tended to process it as “churches are failed”.

Another of my daughters… my youngest, was the most connected in that former failed church prior to our leaving. And she was the most upset when we left. But she wasn’t mad or upset with her parents, rather, she was mad at the church. We involved her in the decision to leave. She knew everything and all the reasons.  And she had had some of her own negative experiences with the church & leaders.  But like our oldest, the trauma of leaving a church where she had previously felt connected and had friends SPILLED OVER into her feelings about faith and church.  Upon moving to our new church, she found it difficult to get involved.

Point: Teenagers smell hypocrisy a mile away, and don’t have the history or maturity to want to stick it out -or process it like their parents.

Point:  It’s hard enough to get a teen involved, but even harder when you still have a bad taste in your mouth from the last experience.

Our middle daughter had the typical middle child reaction to our leaving. She had a good experience at that church, and while she agreed with our reasons for leaving, and had some negative experiences of her own there. she didn’t have as much separation anxiety because she was leaving for college anyway and had already begun to separate herself. Plus, she was the middle child… trying to triangulate.

So this is what I want to say:

When a church loses a family, the consequences can be detrimental to the kids in that family in ways that can have a lasting effect. –And that’s the real tragedy.

Yes, perhaps the parents can land on their feet in another church (though sadly, many do not after they leave a church), but the kids may not have the “faith faculties” to deal with the fall-out left by leaving under bad circumstances. I hope my oldest and youngest do and we’ve talked to them about it.

It’s been 4 years since we left. Occasionally “that church” comes up, and we’re trying to let the disappointment and anger soften with age (and it has). It really helped to have landed in a better church.  But for kids, it’s not so easy.

We hope more time will heal their wounds, and that another church in their future will someday be exactly what the Great Physician ordered.

So here’s what I’m thinking about YOUR church…

If we came to your church. would YOUR church be the one that can heal what’s happened to two of my three kids?  Or will they find similar dysfunctions, sense irrelevancy, and stay away?

How many of your members have had “bad church” experiences that they are still hurting from?  A LOT.  A smart church would create a “Recovery Ministry” to those who have had a bad church experience, …because in talking about this subject over the years, I’ve realize just how many people have had these bad experiences and need to talk about them.

A smart pastor would open up this discussion with its potential new members and existing members (be prepared from the lingering pain). One reason for doing this is to close the “arm’s length” that many new members will hold the church and the pastor when they first start coming. It’s a natural reaction. (And I wonder if it’s the reason many members are “inactive” …because they got hurt, don’t want to open themselves up to caring too much again.)

A smart preacher would address the subject of “how to get over what happened in the past” in sermons, prayers, and study.  (…and “getting over your upbringing”, “getting over a bad parent” ,  ”a broken marriage”, etc. It’s a ministry and subject many avoid but is quite needed.)

A smart youth leader will talk to their kids about “healing” from old wounds. Kids tend not to have the experience to realize things can heal, or the tools to help them heal.

And what I would tell parents is this:  They would be wise to shield their kids from some of the reasons why their parents need to leave a church.  As in divorce, the kids can’t handle all the information. I don’t like that thought, but I think it’s true.

We didn’t shield our youngest as much as we should have from our anger and disappointment, particularly as it related to some of the actions and words of the pastor.  Slowly but surely she’s making her way back to the church. But at her advanced age (now 18) we’ve made church her choice.

In the end, I think it has been a great learning experience for her, but her arm is still stuck out a bit. She still talks about her faith in God. It’s her faith in the church that needs more healing. And unfortunately, teens tend to naturally have one arm already stuck out when it comes to faith and the church.

I hope this story and these suggestions help you and your ministry.

Neil

Not that I think “chapel” is a bad word. Read on….

It’s primary mission seems to be to provide worship on Sunday -offering to God, and renewing our faith for the week ahead. Hence, my designation of it as a “chapel.” It has a very modest Christian education effort and modest mission effort. At least, that’s what it APPEARS to have -from someone who’s only been attending there for 5 months. And so far, it seems to be a very good “chapel.”

But the question I’ve been mulling over is this: Is it OK to be ”just a good chapel” -rather than a “go get’em” church by Midwestern standards? 

I’m defining “church” here by a 1970′s standard… the kind of church which many congregations today are trying to find their way back to:  the program church with a full staff,  full set of committees, a full calendar and budget. But let’s be honest: for most congregations, such a church is a mirage, -a vision in the desert that is UNattainable -no matter how hard you scramble to get to it.

Or worse… It’s a stick that leaders beat their congregational horses with (and themselves). The fruits of this labor have often been DYSFUNCTION  and frustration.  And the target of the frustration is often the pastor who was trained to lead chapel and pastor, not to be Joan of Arc.

And so far, my answer is, “Yes, it is OK to be a chapel instead of a church.”  This is especially true of a church which fails to be a quality church, leaving members frustrating and depleted. In the Chapel, the emphasis is on YOU, not on the church’s needs. It feels more like a congregation that’s just happy to be together, -where you don’t have to dress up (both literally and figuratively). And the message from the pulpit is not a drumbeating “what can you do for us here?”  But, “what are you doing out there?”

A few years ago I read an article about a different kind of congregation. It was fecetiously titled “The Church of the Unchurched.”   Predictably, the letters to the editor hated it.  I loved it. It was challenging.

The article described a church that did not schedule a lot of “events.” It didn’t have committees coming out the wazoo. Was not over-staffed. Wasn’t constantly asking for money. And didn’t track it’s members’ giving or attendance for that matter. It focuses on worship, and doing a few things well.

It’s a vision of a church that has FEWER expectations of its corporate life, but RENEWING expectations for its members’ personal lives beyond the church walls.

The Chapel eschews the idea of the “high-participation-church is the center of my life” model, -which many if not most churches secretly, if not openly, aspire towards. It replaces that with a church defined by what its members do “the other 6 days of the week“  in their various walks of life, -in their family, at work, in the community organizations and political causes they work in. And in their inner life.

The message of the Chapel is, “here we are… here’s the message. Yes, it’s good to be together -and we hope that we rub off on you, but you’re not a child, and we are not your parents.”

The Chapel church proof texts itself ”reason for being” with scripture about the individual’s inner life and outward ethics. It believes as did Paul that we are each responsible for working out our own salvation. It uses the words of Jesus when he speaks about outward appearances, and suggests that the Sabbath was made for man and not the other way around (the church is made for the needs of its members, whereas many churches have that backwards). 

Whereas, the “Church” proof texts itself with the book of Acts where you have old men in charge of you, and you may indeed drop dead in the congregation if you withhold anything!  :-)

Both models have their weaknesses. But there are forces at work in some churches that make the “CHAPEL MODEL” a better choice for some.

Geography is one big force at work. People in the ‘chapel’ where I attend don’t live near each other. They come from different communities to gather on Sunday. The congregation has a large number of snowbirds. The “chapel” is not the neighborhood church. 

Our chapel is also not necessarily attractive to young families (if they are looking for family ministry and a super-duper CE experience). It’s mostly people in their 40′s and up. We have different needs than the young baby crowd does. And in fact, there simply aren’t that many young families around where I live, and where the church is located. And older folks with older kids and grandkids -while they enjoy fellowship, don’t need it as much. They/we tend to have our “friends” already set and aren’t attracted so much by “program.”

Our chapel is also in a resort area which creates an interesting dynamic.

The Chapel may also not be  ”seeker’s” church. It probably isn’t a great first-church for those who don’t know Christ. Then again, it is probably a great place for those turned off by those who THINK they know Christ so well! And it’s a good place for people who are not great “joiners.” …ie, 40% of the average people in your congregation who feel inadequate about their membership. 

The Chapel church isn’t perfect, or right for everyone. But one of the APPARENT beneifts of being a chapel -which I’m happy to see after 10 years in a previous dysfunctional church, –is that you avoid many of the DYSFUNCTIONS that plague congregations still trying to REGAIN their former glory as a high-expectation churches.

Things I believe the “Chapel” church should do better…

Provide one-on-one spiritual guiding. The pastor in the Chapel church really needs to be a pastor to the individual, rather than the leader of a program.

Provide a way to highlight how members of the Chapel are living out the Gospel in their daily lives. More talk about that please!

Communicate better with it’s members. Provide think pieces and reading material.

- – - – - – - – - – - – -

I have asked myself the following questions in every congregation I’ve been part of:

“Why has God brought me here?  What does God want to show me here?”  
“What am I here to learn?”  “What can I do to help?”

God is not done stretching me, …or you.

<>< Neil

Update: We’ve been at the church for over a year now. So far so good!

My family and I lived on the island of St. Croix in the US Virgin Islands from July 2008 to January 2012. We arrived here the summer of 2008 on what we called our “Great Adventure.”  StX is about 60 miles southeast of Puerto Rico, and 2000 miles away from Central Ohio where I grew up.

{Update: We are moving to Florida January 2012. See note at end of this post.}

I’m mentioning where we live for several reasons:

1. Many people who read this blog assume I’m still in Hilliard Ohio.
   I’m not. (And those who think I still live in Chicago can now move me to Ohio. hahaha)
   
2. It explains the ocean graphics in this blog. I have saltwater in my veins. I’m an avid kayaker and diver.
   
3. It tells you a little bit about my perspectives, range of experience, and hopefully how serious I am about exploring change and taking leaps of faith.
   
4. The move and island experience is teaching me a lot about myself, my family, my priorities, about churches, and life in general. That was one of the reasons we decided to move to somewhere totally different, -to challenge us. Even our church here is different.
   
5. People who google “living on St Croix” occasionally find this website and have questions.

I’m still actively involved in church work, and currently serve as the Parish Assistant at the St Croix Reformed Church.

How does an Ohio-boy end up in St Croix?

a)  It was one of those life dreams I could actually make happen. Positive life circumstances created a “window of opportunity” for my family and I to follow that dream –for a few years. We aren’t planning on staying here for too much longer. Change and life circumstances  happens! In particular, we have three kids who have/are developing windows of opportunity of their own, and we want to be close to them wherever they land.

No, we aren’t rich. We made a lot of sacrifices to make this dream come true. And we realized we had some unique job circumstances that let us pursue it.

The “Circumstances”: My job largely takes place via the internet so I could move it anywhere (we still ship software out of Ohio). While visiting here years ago, my wife was offered great position at the local hospital here on StX. My youngest daughter who is with us thought it might be exciting to become part of a small private island school. She was tired of the crowded suburban schools and suburban attitudes. Our two oldest daughters were away at college when we moved. One has since gotten married and the other has moved down with us to enjoy our adventure.

b) I have saltwater in my veins. I love the oceans, mountains and tropics.  (and StX has plenty of all three). I’m an avid ocean kayaker and scuba diver. Those of you who share my affliction for the ocean will understand the appeal of being surrounded by one.

c) I/we were looking for a cultural experience beyond the whitebread vinyl-sided suburban landscape we had grown tired of.  St Croix is 75% “West Indian” …ie, of african descent. But it’s still the USA. “Third World USA” to be sure, but a very interesting place to live. Sometimes amazing, sometimes frustrating, always expensive.

Life on St Croix is quite different than it was in Ohio…

Ohio doesn’t have hurricanes. We had one 3 months after getting here (Omar on Oct 16, 2008). That was crazy.

We live in a “semi-dry” rainforested valley 8 minutes over the mountain from the beach.

Everything here is more expensive than in the states, and we’ve had to learn to pinch pennies (we don’t drive a newer car, for example). It helps to have lousy shopping.

Nearly everyone is quite a bit friendlier and more relaxed than in the states.

It’s definitely WARMER, but not “florida hot.” StX sits in the tradewinds which always seem to be blowin, -so the temp never goes above 90. Most days it gets up to about 85. That said, we live in shorts and sandals, don’t use the AC, and have learned not to worry about a little sweat.

Relaxing here means taking a book (or your dog) to the beach and sitting in the shade of a palm tree, …or going for a walk or going swimming. In the suburbs, it meant sitting in my lay-z-boy or walking around the same-same suburbs.  We’re more outdoor active here, and can be year-round, -which was part of the plan. I’ve become an avid ocean-kayaker and certified diver.

There’s something about the oceans and waves that make me feel connected to the world. To me, it’s spiritual.

I work and worship at a local church: the St Croix Reformed Church (RCA). I’m the “Parish Assistant” there… helping the pastor with what ever he needs. Lately that has included the writing of a grant for and overseeing the installation of a 10 kw wind turbine(www.stcroixreformed.org to learn more). The side walls of our sanctuary are louvered windows that let in the breeze. People wear shorts and sandals to worship. There are churches down here that date back 300 years.

As mentioned, most “Crucians”  ie, people on St Croix, are quite a bit friendlier than Midwesterners in my opinion. They actually look at you and nod or say “good afternoon” when they pass you by. Standing in line or sitting in a barber shop -they will strike up a conversation. In Ohio, people act like you’re not there. They walk on by you. They are in a hurry. Down here, eye contact, a wave, and a kind word are considered normal.

The roads are a bit crazy, and we drive on the left. But Crucian drivers have 100% less “road rage” than midwesterners do. They routinely stop to let people cross the roadway (or goats, or cows).

StX is not really a  ”resort island” -though it does have tourists and the occasional cruiseship stopping by. It also has a lot of poverty and is rather rundown, but –its natural beauty and climate make up for its deficiencies. The place is frustrating, and relaxing. Laid back and too laid back.  There are more beautiful islands around the world, but few you could actually afford to live on, and raise kids on, and still be in the US.

StX is somewhat rural and underpopulated, -it’s not crowded like St. Thomas. It does have two major “cities.” Pretty much everything you need is here or can be ordered online. We scuba dive, and that’s another big reason we are here. Can’t imagine living here if you didn’t want to get in or under the water.

No, we’re not rich. We just decided we didn’t want to wake up old someday and be living in the same place, and regretting the road(s) not taken. We wanted an adventure, and we sure got one. That said, we plan on moving back to the mainland sometime within the next two years, mainly to be near our kids –two of whom are ready to spread their wings.  Don’t want to be too far and “too expensive of a ticket” away from that!

This is our “adventure” not our retirement. We don’t know how long we’ll be down here… maybe just a couple of years.  Most statesiders move down, and eventually move back… the #1 reason being: to be close to family/grandkids. Our three kids are older, one getting married, one finishing up college, one in High School. They love it here, but none of them imagines moving here permanently. Like I said, this is our “adventure.”

And then there’s that Caribbean water. I’m sure I was a sailor in a past life!

If you ever find yourself heading to St. Croix, look me up, or contact me for the scoop.  neil@sundayresources.net

We maintain a semi-private family blog about our moving experience and life on the island. If you’re interested in reading it, email me at neil@sundayresources.net and I might just send you the link if you tell me a little bit about yourself.

I would also recommend reading the “Relocation” message board at www.vimovingcenter.com It’s a wealth of information about the islands, relocating, what to expect, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Addendum:
Quite a few people are finding this post via Google and sending me questions via email. I’m happy to answer them, but do your research first at vimovingcenter.com. It’s thorough.

Quick answers to questions that people often ask me:

• Most of the people here are great. But if you have a problem with people of color or different cultures, don’t come down.
• Life is truly slower here, which can be frustrating at times. Type ‘A’ people probably won’t like it here.
• It’s the Caribbean. Crime is worse. Roads are pot-holed. And things are ‘rustic.’
• The Weather is unbelieveable. But if you can’t live without AC, don’t come. Electricity is extremely expensive here.
• Housing can be expensive depending on what you’re used to. If you have pets, your choices will be limited. A decent 2 bedroom apt/condo in a safe neighborhood will cost you about $2000 a month, plus about $300 a month in electricity without running your AC much.
• If you can’t stand slow service and the power going out, don’t come.
• The shopping isn’t good, but who needs “stuff”? You’ll need to save money anyway to pay for plane trips to the mainland.
• Do not bring children here unless you can afford private school ($$). The public schools are not good.
• If you don’t like the ocean, and/or can’t stand to miss the change of seasons, you won’t like it here.
• If you have to sell your house or spend your life savings just to be able to move here, you are probably too under-funded to live here, unless you want to live in an unsafe neighborhood. (I’m amazed how many people email me saying, “we don’t have much money, but….”
• The general consensus is that it takes $10,000 to move here… moving fees, first month’s rent/security, plane tickets, getting a car here.
• Its somewhat expensive to live here, so you learn to live without things like air-conditioning. Thankfully, it’s never really too hot.

January 2012 Update:
The four of us are moving to Sarasota this month. We’ve had 3 1/2 wonderful years on St Croix and will miss it. But my wife is looking forward to getting back to a full-service hospital experience, and one where things are run a little better.  Daughters need to get going with their young adult lives and job opportunities, and the island isn’t the place to do that. Always knew it!  …and just wish the days hadn’t passed so fast.

Check out my Bible videos for kids over at http://sundayresources.net/biblevideos

For over a decade I woke up every Sunday “having to” go to church because it was my job. Then in 1996 that all changed. I became a “pastor in the pew” who’s full time “paid” ministry took place outside of the congregation where I was worshipping. And I wish I knew then, what I know now….

Dave Shepherd, a friend at a church I served back in the 80′s, once told me what I’m about to tell you, -only at the time I didn’t understand how important his advice was. 

Dave said, “Neil, every Sunday you need to remind me why I should be here, and give me a reason why I should come back.”

At the time I gave him the “trained & paid pastor answer” …something along the lines of ”because God calls us to worship.” But the truth is, I didn’t fully understand Dave’s question because I was being paid to come to worship. (Of course, at the time, you couldn’t have convinced me that I didn’t fully “get it.”)

Only after these 12+ years of being a “pastor in the pews,” rather than on staff, have I FINALLY figured out what Dave was getting at…

Dave was a volunteer member who had a choice every Sunday, every Thursday night, every Saturday morning TO ATTEND SOMETHING or NOT TO ATTEND. He was a really busy guy, and he also had a busy family life. That’s me too. And now that I’m essentially a “volunteer attender” as opposed to being “paid staff who has to come,”  and now having spent the last year “in-between” churches, attending them to find a new one, NOW I finally understand what he meant. …I finally “get why” his question/answer to me was so important. It’s amazing how many “legitimate” reasons you can come up with to NOT go to church some Sundays and some weeknights, –and STILL “feel like” (and maybe even “be”) a reasonably faithful Christian.

Oh, I KNOW all the reasons why that feeling is theologically wrong, …preached and teached it, my friend! But this is EXACTLY why I want to talk about this subject with STAFF PEOPLE who have forgotten what it’s like to have a REAL weekly choice about church.  …And how it plays out even more when you’re looking for a new church.  

Here’s a list of excuses I have used at one time or another during the past 12 years as an active participant in a congregation…

-health. If I don’t feel 100%, I may stay home. As a pastor, I went to “work” even when I didn’t feel good. And if my spouse or child was sick, it was even easier not to go.  

-your job. When I work a lot of hours the previous week or weekend, I can easily justify vegging-out some Sundays. And if your spouse works Saturdays or Sundays, it gets even easier. When I was a pastor on staff, I thought this was a lame excuse. But as a husband who’s wife works the occasional 12 hour weekend shift, church on Sunday morning isn’t always possible or desirable.

-family activities. Sometimes the weekend is so packed that something has to give. An out-of-town soccer match (which I’m not going to apologize for because organized sports can be a wonderful thing for a young person), grandma’s birthday party, and major weekend chores are not the enemy, they’re the reality.

-desire for a break. Sometimes being a member can be a bit overwhelming. Some churches wear you out.

-frustration with church. It’s easier to come up with any of the excuses on this list when you think the pastor or church has done something wrong, or aren’t doing certain things particularly right. I’ve experienced this many times.

-dressing up. Sometimes you just don’t want to get dressed up and go anywhere, especially if you’re good shirt or pants aren’t ironed (or worse, your wife’s clothes aren’t). This was worse when my daughters were younger and more concerned about their appearance (a reality). For us, being part of a ‘more casual’ church was a necessity. 

-the weather.  The nicer it is, the louder the birds are chirping, the easier it is to feel like morning on the back porch with a cup of coffee and the Sunday paper are God’s gift to your soul. Honestly, sometimes my spirituality needs quiet time, not cheezy organ playing time.

-sleeping in. Sometimes you owe it to yourself. Or you need it. Or you just do it. Not all of us are morning people, especially if your job makes you get up early 5 days a week. 

-I tired of what you present over and over again. Sometimes church worship is truly “average,” or uninspired, or poorly led.  Or the message is poor, or the music is tedious. Or it’s nearly the same all the time.  What staff are paid to create and coordinate, sometimes looks like what I could have done for free in half the time. And that undermines your sense of “needing to” be there, because you know that 2 out of 4 Sundays you’re NOT going to leave challenged or changed or feeling like you did more than “doing your duty.”  Yes, this is a dumb feeling. Theologically wrong. Be it’s a human feeling, so it can’t be ignored. Dave was trying to tell me this. As one of the pastor-leaders, I needed to pay more attention to EXPLAINING rather than ASSUMING. Or maybe as Jesus would have put it… make the sword sharper.

Some of my ”Sundays off” left me feeling a bit guilty. Felt like something was missing. But there were other Sundays I didn’t feel guilty or unfulfilled at all. And why should I? I’m the product of decades of preaching that emphasized the forgiveness and grace of God!

As a pastor I believed 110% in the value of “corporate worship.” But as a volunteer in the pew, it’s easier to be less convinced of that imperative, especially when “corporate” worship gets stale. As a volunteer I have found myself more willing to find spiritual nourishment outside of that imperative.

Let me reiterate: for me it’s not a spiritual problem. And it wasn’t for Dave either. What Dave and I need are reminders AND good reasons to overcome our humanness and competing priorities. When it’s your job to be there, it’s a settled question. And thus, the PASTOR has as much to overcome as the volunteer attender.

Things that would help….

1.  Give us something we have to DO on Sunday, other than just come sit in the pew.
Being a Sunday School teacher was one of the BEST WAYS to get me up on Sunday morning. It is almost like being on staff. You know people are counting on you. The choir people have this figured out too. And now that I’ve been looking for a new church, not having that class I gotta get up and teach, I miss it (I love teaching), and I miss how it helped me “be there.”

2. Give us VARIETY. Create a sense of expectation, and occasionally surprise us with something different. Resist the impulse here, dear pastor, to believe that the HONUS of expectations is all on the worshipper and not on the paid & trained worship leader.  Make the experience more compelling for those who don’t have the luxury of being paid to show up.  Over the years, the worship I was active in as a volunteer was sortof bland, but it put up with it because of other things in that congregation that were better. But when I left that church, I’ve since found that ‘visiting’ a bland church only leaves you looking for more, not joining.

3. Give us ALTERNATE and ALTERNATIVE OPPORTUNITIES to Worship. Stop putting our worship attendance all in the basket labeled “Sunday morning” and “same-old thing.” You don’t have to run out and create Saturday evening services, but how about mid week or Sunday evening services on occasion? (and get us involved helping you do it).

4. Don’t let congregational problems FESTER, or grievances go unaddressed. Nothing undermines good intentions and positive feelings faster. See my other ‘on the lam’ blog posts about that. As a visitor who has just come from a church with some problems, I was turned off by problems I heard about in the churches I visited.

5. Everyone likes to be “missed.” Leaders need to know who’s coming to worship, and who is NOT coming.  See my posts in this blog about the “Wide Open Backdoor” and the “Wide Open Side Door” and what to do about them. As I slipped out the backdoor of my former church, few really noticed at the time. As a visitor… you’re almost invisible. Read my posts about that!

________________________________________________________________

Now for something important to admit and learn from:

There’s a slip ‘n slide on a slope outside the church’s backdoor.

When you’re “in-between” church memberships, as my family has been this past year, -all of the above excuses are EVEN EASIER to use. As you may have read in this blog, my family and I left our church of the past 10 years and have been trying several different churches. In some ways, it’s been our own mini-Exodus.

This mini-Exodus has taught me is how easy it is when you are NOT a member of a particular church, to let a Sunday, or two, or even three SLIDE into “maybe next week.”  You begin to say things like, “well, WHEN we find a new church things will be different.”  But let me tell you, -finding a new church isn’t that easy.  

And like the Exodus story, the deeper into the wilderness you go, the easier it is to justify the wandering.  You get used to it. You start to become acclimated to the desert. You let other things fill the void,  ….and then, you also discover God is out there with you in the void. That your faith can function without a weekly sermon. And you don’t feel so bad.

The slope is slipperier than paid-staff realize. 

From my own experience, I can see how the longer you’re away, the easier it gets to redefine your spirituality as something that’s possible apart from a specific church.  …..And when you visit other churches and don’t get a good feeling of connection, thoughts begin to roll through your mind about whether church is really as important to you as you thought. 

My advice: work with Dave while you still have him! Keep him off the slippery slope!

<>< Neil 

I have edited this thing ten times. I’m sure some folks aren’t going to like what I have to say, or think I’m just ‘bitter’ as a way of avoiding the lessons here. I’m one of those people who does try to learn from my experiences, and share what I think I’ve learned.  I hope my story can help yours.

In the Fall of 2007 we left ”HPC” -the church where my family spent the last 10 years. Most of them were good years.  But over those years, things happened -or didn’t happen, that undermined our sense of belonging and well-being there, ..and our trust in the leadership. 

We were not your ‘average’ members. In fact, many people were surprised we left because we had been VERY active. The church is a small suburban church in a middle-class suburban neighborhood. A lot of nice people there -and we wish them well. In good conscience, however, we could no longer stay.

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It’s a horrible feeling to wake up on Sunday morning and not feel good about going to worship. 

…to sit there and be distracted by unresolved issues and feelings.

…to lose faith in various leaders and in the integrity of important decisions. 

…to go through the anguishing process of leaving some people and a place you had connected with. 

And after leaving… to feel like maybe you had wasted your time there, and wasted what you had to offer.

I’m a metaphor guy. And the one which makes the most sense to me about what happened at that church is “kindling and fire.”

“Kindling” is the small -but not insignificant stuff that is fuel to a fire. And the kindling for this blaze piled up over a ten year period. 

• Questionable decisions by the leadership.
• An often glacial approach to getting things done.
• The occasional poor choice of words or gruff behavior by the pastor.
• The occasional mishandling of finances and inability to pay bills, even though giving went up every year.
• A seeming lack of care about the appearance of things, -whether it was the building, or grounds, or communication materials. 
• Lack of a decent on-going Sunday morning adult class.
• Absence a new member committee -in the face of an annually shrinking membership, while the community around the church was experiencing exponential growth.
• Rotting exterior paint, nursery floors not kept clean, weeds by the main entrance and main doors (which we saw as symptons and signs of an attitude).
• A long range plan that was essentially buried.
• A building campaign that would saddle a shrinking membership with a large debt, and one which began as a need for meeting space, -but turned into a quest for a new sanctuary based on the misguided idea that the problem with membership was that the current sanctuary was inadequate -a premise which was debatable.
• “Easy made hard” …a phrase I found myself often using to describe so many things.

I could go on. 

Funny thing about all that kindling. Most of the time, it just looked and felt like “mud.” “Muddling along,”  -that’s how it felt over the years. You look at that list and think it must have been a bad place to be, but most of the time it just felt like things were muddling along. The pastor and leadership and membership did some things well, but were curiously uninterested, inconsistent, or incompetent about certain things -many of which wouldn’t have been tolerated in most other churches, including those I had previously been part of.  Some of us in the congregation even had a name for this muddling. We called it, ”the HPC way.”

But what I did not understand THEN, I have unfortunately learned the hard way… it wasn’t MUD we were stuck in, it was KINDLING. Mud doesn’t burn. Kindling is just ready for something to set it off. I wish I had figured that out before someone threw a match.  (And I wonder: how many other churches and members think they’re “stuck in the mud,” but really are standing in a pile of kindling?)

Why did we/they put up with it? Why did my family invest 10 years there?  
We really liked the church. We grew fond of many of the people there. Early on, we didn’t want to make too many waves. And because it was a small church, I think it was easy for them and for us to overlook things as “being a small church.” And we honestly thought things would get better. I think that’s the problem with many “relationships” that start out well. The warning signs were all there early on (see the list above).

Why did we finally decide to leave?
Kindling doesn’t spontaneously combust, it just piles up waiting for something to ignite it.

After years of quietly speaking up and trying to help, some new frustrations with that church occurred within in a short timespan.  And then the inevitable match appeared in the form of some incendiary words. …And up we went.

The pastor said the wrong thing to me at the wrong time. The youth leaders needed to get quick approval for a refundable deposit on a youth trip. I received permission from the pastor to ask the Session for it. They approved it unanimously. Then after the fact, the pastor acted jerky about it, -words he would later apologize for. But the match had been thrown.

We would have brushed off his words as yet another thing that shouldn’t have gone down the way it did, …but his inflammatory words were dropped right at a point in our lives where we were already struggling with things the church was doing (or not doing as was often the case). And our family had been talking about whether we were going to stay in town or move, and/or stay with that church.  

I suppose I could have “gone off” -some members do that. They start a rumble. But as you may know from my bio, I’m a minister who was only a volunteer in that congregation. I had no real official standing in that church. It would have been inappropriate for me to raise a stink. My wife was an elder, so we had some inside knowledge on a lot of stuff. And we knew others in the congregation, including some staff, who shared some of our concerns. Add to that the fact they we were already thinking about moving out of town in a couple of years when our last kid got out of high school. So we sat on our opinions thinking it wouldn’t be appropriate to raise our voices, and then leave. Wasn’t our style. 

And truthfully, their congregation’s personality and the pastor’s attitude weren’t going anywhere. They had been there all along, and those aren’t things you change with a strongly worded letter.

I don’t think God plans your life like a Triptik, but I’m sure that God wants us to pay attention to the road, and learn from the twists and turns, crash and burns. 

I’ve always felt there was something important for me as a minister to learn going from larger more ‘successful’ church experiences, to a small muddling one. And here’s what I think I’ve learned SO FAR….

The first lesson: I should have seen ”the handwriting on the wall” years ago. 

Over the years we did try to address and help with some of the problems. We occasionally spoke privately to the pastor, staff and various leaders. We offered ideas and volunteered to help. We wrote a few extra checks to help, and did some of the work ourselves. But mostly we tried to be patient. In our first couple of years we passed it off as “well, they’re a small church,” and “maybe our expectations are too high, and it’s not our department.” “Maybe they can grow without a new member committee?”  “Perhaps their occasional inability to pay bills was a fluke.” “Maybe the pastor didn’t really mean what he said.” “Maybe they’ll get around to cleaning it, repairing it, weeding it, changing it.” “Maybe this year they’ll start a decent Sunday morning Bible study for adults and stick to it.”  “Maybe maybe maybe.”  In hindsight, by the tenth or eleventh “maybe” we should have seen the handwriting on the wall, and quietly found another more “kindling free” congregation and pastor.

The second lesson: Over time, “maybe” wears you down. Not dealing with things starts to undercut your sense of trust and well-being in a congregation. And not fully expressing your frustrations to the leaders doesn’t help either. That was the hard part for me, as a minister-in-the-pew on occasion I had to bite my tongue. And over time, you get worn down by the frustrations.

The third lesson is that TIMING MATTERS.
The pastor’s criticism was ham-handed, but maybe it would have blown over had it not come at the wrong time and in the midst of some other gaffs.  Example: His incendiary words arrived by email(!) to me about two hours after he had met with my wife (the elder) to set up -at her suggestion, a new member and evangelism committee (the first in ten years for that church). Rather than be complainers, we decided to ADD to our list of things we were doing over there, and help organize what the church had been sorely lacking for many years. The pastor was enthusiastic about that, …which made his “email in the face” two hours later all the more bizarre.

And… it came on the heels of a projected $30,000 budget shortfall that my wife the elder felt was being swept under the rug. To compound the situation, we had just been asked to make a major pledge to the new sanctuary campaign -about which we had some misgivings. We had decided to trust the leadership and support the building project, -even though we were thinking of moving out of town. 

And it was coming from a pastor we knew had told the Session during its decisions about “whether to build”  that he would leave if they didn’t build it. (Incredulous, I later personally asked him if that were true and he said “yes.”)  The kindling was dry dry dry.

The fourth lesson: There ARE limits.
We’re not quitters. My wife and I wrestled with our frustrations for years, and were trying to work things out and stay involved right up to the day the pastor dropped the match. Even afterwards, we took pause and gave off alarm signals. We reached out to friends in the church, and family for advice. But in the end, we decided that there were limits to what we were willing to put up with.

In any church or family, you will experience things you have to overlook, forgive, or confess you may be wrong about. We’ve had to do that in all the churches we’ve been part of, in our own family (and I with myself). But when your relationship with a particular congregation or pastor becomes, -over a long period of trying to make it work, -both personally strained and spiritually eroding, and you can look back and honestly say “I tried, and tried, and tried again,” -then it’s time to shake the dust from your sandals, for your benefit, and sometimes for theirs as well.

We decided to leave rather quietly, -telling only a few people the reasons why we left.  We knew the church was in the middle of some difficulties and trying to raising a lot of money, and so we wanted to respect the efforts of some good people who had different expectations and pain thresholds.  

(Of course, this “blog” post isn’t quiet. But I’ve given it a LOT of time and thought, -and distance. I wanted to tell our story so that maybe it would help a church -or pastor understand something about “members like us,” or see problems in their own church which need to be addressed. I used to disparage members who left. But now I understand they sometimes leave for the RIGHT reasons, -reasons which ANY congregation can learn from). 

Advice to Whoever:

1.  The Bible says muddling along, -being “luke-warm” is a sin.  Muddling erodes trust. Some members will eventually walk away rather than muddle along with you. And… those that remain will likely be “enablers” of more muddling. And…  any new members you gain will likely be low-expectation muddlers themselves. I for one will also never mistake mud for kindling again. In our next church (which we are already attending) we are asking a few more questions, and looking a little more carefully for the warning signs.

2.  When a church fails to take care of the basics, such as Bible Study, paying bills, or weeds, it erodes the church’s credibility with some of its members who care that basics are not being addressed. And down the road the leadership will undoubtedly need to DRAW UPON it’s stockpile of credibility to overcome a serious problem, a “gaff,” or meet an important need. It’s like the parable of the talents… if you bury the one talent, you probably won’t be given any more. Fail at the small things, and the big things will be that much more difficult to sell. Ignore the basics, and some people will leave or fade away.

3. Every church should have an OMBUDSMAN. This old-fashioned position is a trusted wise person who listens to complaints and concerns, and tries to make sure they get addressed.  I have found that most active members will not speak their mind in large groups, or meetings. Rather, they will express their heartfelt opinions and concerns in private conversations, and in the parking lot after the meeting. Or with their feet. The pastor can’t be the ombudsman because many times the concerns are about them. We could have used one, but muddling churches don’t think this way. Over the last two years in that church I was contacted by members, chairpeople -including the chair of personnel, and even a staff person who wanted my “opinion” about what was going on. They were talking to the wrong person. I needed an ombudsman too!

4.  Churches need to have a mechanism to identify members who are in distress before they either turn into low-expectation members, –or start to leave. We weren’t the only ones over there in distress. Some have since left, others left or retreated in the years preceding us for reasons similar to our own, and likely some others will fade or leave in the future. After we left, we even ran into an older woman at another church who had once been very involved in HPC prior to us getting there. Disturbingly, she and her husband left ten years ago for many of the same reasons we did. ESPECIALLY in a small church where the difference between vitality and mortality is just a few families, leadership needs a way to identify problems and members in trouble. 

In our case, a simple check of our sliding attendance over the three month period when we began to pull back (before the incendiary event) -would have been enough of a red-flag. And our careful but obvious response to the pastor’s incendiary words should have set off a smoke alarm. Our reaching out to friends and two staff members in the congregation about our distress should have set off a bell and prompted a bigger response. But like so many other things in that church, nobody wanted to deal with some of the issues. Or they didn’t think we’d really leave. A well-timed visit and well-chosen words from certain leaders may have kept us from walking. But honestly, even if we had stayed, we’d have been different, -less trusting, less involved. And that wouldn’t have been good. (And we also suspect some were glad to see us go. Few leaders and pastors want people around who think things should be different. This is part of the problem in churches… the Emperor doesn’t like to be told he has no clothes.)

Epilogue:

Since first posting this story, many have emailed me with words of consolation and hope. Many have shared their (unfortunately) SIMILAR experiences in other churches. Several members of our former church have contacted me after reading this. Some have thought about leaving for many of the same reasons stated here. One said I shouldn’t be saying this publicly about his church, “even if they are true.”

Update: We have landed in a new congregation. But we are taking our time to observe the people, pastor, and processes. Friendliness is not enough. 

<>< Neil

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Check out my “Wide Open Back Door” post for more about what I learned from this situation, and how churches can identify members in distress before it’s too late.

If you suddenly stopped showing up, would anybody notice? More importantly, would anybody do anything about it? You’d like to THINK so. But our last three church experiences answer that question with an unfortunate “no.”

The Wide Open Back Door…

We attended one church for ten years and were very involved there. But after a long list of our concerns went unaddressed (lack of adult education, the lack of a new member committee, and the inability of the church to pay its bills on time, their inability to keep things clean and repaired such as the nursery, –we found ourselves attending less and less, and eventually decided to go elsewhere. (Read “why we left our last church” in this blog)

It’s a common story. Many members don’t just stop coming, they first start coming LESS. They fade away. Until one day, they aren’t coming any more.

In this blog I hope to answer the following questions:

1. WHY do churches not realize a member is fading until it’s too late?

2. WHAT can be done to catch fading members before they’re completely gone?

3. And How and what can the congregation learn from it’s members exiting through the back door? 

Fading out can be found out…
After we cut back our attendance to only once or twice a month… no one noticed. Then for a month we didn’t show up at all, and no one said a word. Then two months, and still no response. Yet a simple check of worship attendance stats would have raised a red flag. Yet this church had NO SYSTEM IN PLACE for noticing who had stopped coming.  They entered worship attendance data from the pew pads, but nobody was reading the data.  Makes you wonder “how many other members have they lost and still don’t know they’ve lost them?”  The church where this happened to us only had 210 members. A church that small can’t afford such ignorance.

No church of any size should care so little about “fading,” especially when the solution is simple and cheap: Religiously input the data, and then remember to religiously READ the data!

[In my other blogs in this thread, you can read about our "Side Door" exits from two other churches. In each of those cases, fading through the sidedoor could also have been found out by a simple reading of worship attd stats in a timely way.]

Fading needs a response….
Our fade didn’t take place over a few weeks, it too place over MANY months. After pulling back a bit, we told some people what we were thinking.  We told a staff person and two elders in the church we were having serious problems with some things. Nobody connected our frustrations with our growing absence on Sunday. Big mistake -for them. And yes, it would have mattered A LOT had some of the leaders or pastor called us to talk, asked to stop over, asked us to stay and work things out. Our Fade was not cast in stone, but quite honestly, we felt like we had ALREADY talked and not been heard on the issues. We were in a period of “limbo” …wondering if we mattered. Wondering what it felt like to NOT be part of things there. Wondering how much we’d miss it. It was a “trial separation” on our part.

Had they noticed and done something would it have made a difference? We’ve often asked that question. And here’s the answer: Even as we were fading, I was doing some youth group planning for the coming Fall program year. Had the team and DCE over to my house for a meeting. I was hoping our fade would subside. But that’s when the last and final nail in the coffin was driven. An elder took issue with our youth leadership’s request for a refundable deposit on a youth trip the next summer. She opposed the idea, but the Session gave it their unanimous approval (this was the first Session meeting there I had ever attended!). Then the pastor, who hadn’t opposed it at the Session’s meeting, laid into me about it AFTER the approval.  Had this happened in any other year, against any other backdrop, I would have let it slide. But we had been in a trial separation mode for two months when the dope stuck his foot in his mouth. And it was the last straw, and we haven’t been back since.

>Say what you will about an individual episode, but I know from dealing with fading members in previous churches, that it’s usually a NUMBER of episodes that pile up, NOT a single event,  –which contribute to the slow fade towards disengagement.

This episode raises the importance of READING THE SIGNS. Had the pastor or anyone been tending to the flock’s statistics, and had their ear to the ground about our concerns, the “last straw event” probably wouldn’t have gone down. Instead, he would have been engaging us on the larger issues we had been throwing off serious signals about. Remember, it was a SMALL church.

Sometimes you can’t close the backdoor but you can learn from those who have walked through it…
Fading members can help the church identify serious problems. Even when we sent a letter saying we were done, the only response we got was a letter a few weeks later asking our children if they wanted to remain on the rolls. We heard that some members were told the WRONG reasons why we had left. Most members we’ve since run into were left in the dark. Yet when we see them in public and tell them our reasons, many say “we’ve had the same thoughts.” When a very active family leaves, you should assume that “where there’s smoke –there’s fire.” We know of two other families who have since left for reasons similar to our own. 

I’ve been on church staffs and must admit, we paid NO attention to the back door. When members left we usually paid them little attention. In some cases, we said “good riddance.” But now that I’ve gone through that door myself, I see what folly it was not to take those people seriously, and at least try and learn from them. The “public reason” they or a pastor often gives for their leaving is probably not the entire reason.

In large businesses, it is customary to perform an “exit interview” –believing that ex-employees will tell you things they wouldn’t have if they were still on the payroll.

Research has shown that most members fade away NOT because they “lack” concerns, they fade because they have them! (like we did) and they are going unmet. Their spiritual enthusiasm fades, their needs go unmet, their skills go untapped, their ideas or critiques go unheard, and eventually they move into the category of “the unchurched” –months before the churches notices.

Let me suggest an OMBUDSMAN MINISTRY:  A person who is the designated “complaint hearer.”  Couple that with a regular reading of statistics and you just might be able to narrow down the path to the backdoor. Or at the very least, you would learn how your church is not meeting the needs of some members.

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Read my article on PROMOTING Sunday School and Welcoming Vistors over at www.sundaysoftware.com/promoting.htm It has a lot of good ideas in it.

You may also be interested in my article on the WIDE OPEN SIDE DOOR  … a true & rather sad story of a congregation we visited for over 8 months. http://sundayresources.net/neil/2008/04/20/the-wide-open-side-and-back-doors/ 

The Wide Open Side Door…

Sidedoor = the one visitors exit through.

After leaving the church where we had been members for 10 years, we began exploring other churches. For about 3 months we investigated my sister’s church. It is a large, well-staffed, wealthy downtown congregation. That church had a lot of nice folks, great social ministry, and good adult ed. But if our experience was the norm, dealing with visitors was not one of their strengths.

We visited that particular BIG church about 8 times. And eight Sundays no one from the church ever walked up to us after worship to say hello, -unless my sister was with us and they were walking up to her and she introduced us. People smiled and nodded, but “approached” in more than a polite smiling way -we were not.

The greeters were polite but never gave us more than a “welcome” (a brochure about the church would have been nice). At various times we took the initiative to approach the three ministers after worship and they were nice. Interestingly, there was always one standing by the main door saying good-bye to everyone. And they had a volunteer standing behind them taking notes, but only if you had a pastoral concern. The minister would turn and tell the volunteer, “Ellen’s mother is sick,” and the volunteer would dutifullly write it down. But not once when we identified ourselves as visitors did the minister have their volunteer write down anything about us. A missed opportunity.

We religiously signed the pew pads, but never received a call, and never received a newsletter. We did receive an invitation to join the new member class –three months after we stopped going there. This confirmed A LOT about that church –after we already had the inklings.

The youth pastor or youth leaders (whoever they were) also never approached my teenager. [I add this last "never" because I was a parish minister in two churches, and I considered it my JOB to make sure I spotted visitors and said hello to their kids. Those two churches grew while I was there too, not because I was wonderful, but because of our intentional outreach to visitors. People like to be noticed!]

I did once get an email from the pastor (with whom I had a passing acquaintance). It came about two months after we had started to attend. She wanted to know why we were no longer attending our former church and didn’t want to “poach” us from our former church. I emailed her back we were looking for a new church. And that was the last I heard from her. [You know you can right click an email in Outlook and select "follow up" and set a "reminder" to reply back to someone at a later date? The wonders of technology.]

Three months after we stopped going there, we received our first letter from that church. The letter thanked us for our “regular attendance” and thought we might be interested in joining the church. The letter had both our street number and zipcode incorrect but still got delivered.  The letter was dated April 2nd, postmarked April 8th and arrived April 15th. The new member class mentioned in the letter started April 13th, two days before we got the letter, and only 5 days before the letter was mailed. I should mention that we religiously signed their pew pads, my handwriting is legible, and they did cash our checks which also had our address on them.

How does a church with great ministry and tons of staff blow something this simple and important?  Where was the contact after our first visit, or second, or third?  Why weren’t we mailed a newsletter?  And how could they invite us to join without realizing we had stopped attending?  And how could they get the address wrong, and mail an important letter so late? There’s no excuse because the process is just too easy set up and execute. Entering us into their computer should have generated a letter, put us on the mailing list, and flagged us for follow up. And generating a mailing on time is what staff is being paid for.

We slipped through the sidedoor, and I doubt they even know they left it propped open or did anything to point us in the direction.

Postscript:  That church is a wealthy old downtown church which spend millions of dollars fixing up their building, and now has a huge debt it is having trouble servicing. They began cutting staff, including the CE staff, and their membership continues to shrink. 

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

A Previous Side Door…
In 1996 our family moved back into town and spent a year attending the church where my wife and I had grown up and been married. During that year we were never invited to join, which is probably a good thing because we would have said “no.” The pastor at that time was, –well let me just say “he had issues.”  They had other problems too, one of which I’m going to describe below. 

The Side Door Opens Up…
But it wasn’t all that pastor. We got a lot of odd vibes being back in our home church, and the following “vignette” pretty much sums them up.

One Sunday morning on one of our first Sunday’s back in the congregation, my two youngest daughters walked up to the coffee table after worship looking for juice, -only to be told that the church only had water for the children. Later, I asked the pastor and DCE about this, and they confirmed that it was the policy of the church to offer coffee and tea to the adults, but only warm tap water to the children. This policy bother the jerk pastor (no surprise there) but the DCE didn’t have much to say about it either. And yes, they had tile floors so “the mess” wasn’t an issue.

You might think is a minor issue, but remember I said “this one sums them up.” The church had friendliness problems, among other things. And remember, we KNEW quite a few of the people there! They were leaking young families too. The lack of juice was merely the poster child for the little things that didn’t seem to mean a lot to them.

The Push out the side door…
The final push out the door happened one Sunday sitting in adult ed class. We heard people talking about “the class party” they had had last night. I asked, “when was that announced?” And they said, “in last week’s class” -which I had missed because I had helped teach a children’s class. When I asked the DCE why they didn’t mail a calendar or a postcard reminder, she told me (and I’m not making this up) that they “didn’t have postage in the budget.” Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. This was a wealthy suburban congregation of 1000 members. 

Jerky minister, no juice, no postage. 10 others things I’m not mentioning here, –and we were out of there.  Within 3 months the Associate Pastor left that church, and a year later Rev Oddball was gone too. But by then, we had landed at another church which served juice.

In through the front door one more time…

For the next ten years we were active members in a ”juice serving” church –which also happened to be closer to home. You can read about that experience in other posts here. But now it’s 2008, and during the past few months since leaving our “10 year church” and since not going back to that downtown church, we have gone back three times to attend our “former” church. The jerk was gone, the juice was back, and we assume they finally got a postage budget.

I liked the ‘new’ pastor there a lot. She knew we were in-between churches and enthusiastically greeted us the last time we were there. But we have yet to hear from that church. No letter, no newsletter. Apparently they HAVEN’T solved their postage problem!  

[On Easter Sunday how many local people who are non-members come to your church? Wouldn't you send them a card or newsletter inviting them "come again" ? That was the last time we went back to our home church which is just 4 miles from our house. Signed the pewpad with our address and spoke to the pastor. Yet, no follow up.]

At this point, you’re probably asking, “what’s wrong with Neil and his family?”
I don’t blame you. Apparently we have horns.

My wife and I are not PETTY church-goers. We would not base our attendance or joining on receiving a piece of mail. The point is that all churches should be more pro-active about such matters, especially those which have lost members (like all of the three mentioned in this blogthread). And quite likely, most of the members of the churches described here would be aghast, surprised, and embarrassed that their church dropped the ball on such a simple thing.

It’s 11 p.m.  Do you know where your “Visitor Welcome Process” is?

We know every church has its issues. But in this day and age of Computers and Databases there is no excuse for a church not generating even a simple postcard after your first visit. And we’re not even beginning to scratch the surface of WHAT ELSE TO DO to attract visitors! 

If you’ve read this far, don’t assume YOUR church is doing the right thing!  Ask.

Which brings me to the concept of “Standard Operating Procedures.”

“SOPs” are practices you have in place to avoid mistakes you cannot afford to make. They are so basic as to be UNDEBATABLE. Lacking them, or not following them should be grounds for a pastor’s removal. A church or committee which fails to implement them should be punished by having to lead the next Jr. High Retreat.

SOP #1: Staff needs to actually read the pew pads that visitors sign and follow-up on them within a week. Make them a Monday morning priority.

SOP #2: Appoint someone to be in charge of visitor follow-up. This used to be the pastor’s responsibility, but apparently they are too busy complaining about attendance to do anything about it. ANY timely follow-up is better than none.  Speaking from experience, we would have loved even a lowly postcard.

SOP #3: Make visit and new member follow-up a measurable stat that gets discussed in personnel performance review. 

SOP #4: Every pastor should have cards made up and stuffed in their pockets to hand out on Sunday. They should be nice looking ones, not business card boring, with their church and home phone listed, and an invitation to call them. Every visitor they meet should get one, and the pastor should also write down the visitor’s name and phone number on a card in their pocket.

SOP #4:  First item on the staff’s regular meeting and the membership committee’s monthly agenda: who have we contacted since the last meeting?

SOP #5:  After a visitor has visited 2 or 3 times and obviously stopped coming, a very nice person and good listener from the church should call that visitor and listen to why that visitor stopped coming. You can learn a lot from former-visitors IF you choose to listen.

If you have other SOP’s you’d like to add to this list, please leave a comment.

<>< Neil

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Read my post here on the Wide Open BACKdoor!  http://sundayresources.net/neil/2008/04/20/the-wide-open-backdoor/

You may also enjoy reading my ideas for Promoting Church Attendance and Attracting Visitors over at www.sundaysoftware.com/promoting.htm It has a lot of good ideas in it.

I’m going to kick off this thread by telling you something not many people know about me.  I have tried three different churches in the 12 years since I left my full-time minister/parish work and moved my family back to Ohio to start my CE software ministry.  Each of these three church experiences taught me things, nourished me in many ways, but also highlighted some real problems in the way churches operate.

During these past 12 years “on the lam” I have often told people that I thought God wanted to teach me something about the church. And that he has… about the church, and about myself.

This blog thread is meant to share my experiences and observations about ”being on the lam.”  I’ve been chuckling about the double-entendre here. “Lam” and “Lamb.”  “Lam” is the Norse word for “thrashing” …and is etymologically related to the word “lame.”  Another funny double entendre for sure. Thrashing is also etymologically related to “threshing” …the process of separating the wheat from the chaff.  This blog could have easily been titled, ”Separating the Wheat from the Chaff.”

I’m fully aware that when a person points the finger, it is best to begin with yourself. Moving from “trained minister on a staff of an excellent church” – to “volunteer and quasi-member in three not-as-excellent churches” has been challenging.  If you’re a parent, you can relate. Watching your kids make the same mistakes you and I once made is painful. It’s even more painful when those kids are adults, or church staff, or an entire congregation.  There have been numerous occasions where I wanted to speak up, but felt my “not on staff and not technically a member” status meant I should stay quiet.

As time passed, however, I’ve increasingly become less willing to sit on the sidelines and shut up.

For better or worse, I changed over the years. Somewhere in the late 90′s I lost my ability to hide my incredulity.

When you’re on the church’s payroll, you learn to be somewhat politically correct. You learn not to speak the truth in love about the senior pastor or certain volunteer leaders because you then have to deal with the fall out. And when you’re in the pews, you also don’t want to be a complainer or overstep your place.  And quite frankly, volunteers who complain or have ”inconvenient truths,” get marginalized.

In some ways, being a minister-in-the-pew is a little bit like being Dorothy. While some parishoners treat the minister like they’re “The Great and Powerful Oz,” -I’m not afraid of pulling the curtain, in part, because I’ve been back there.  Or to change the metaphor…  as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten less afraid of tugging on Superman’s cape, and more convinced it needs to be done!  (Without a doubt, pastors have enormous power in the church, and many don’t use it for real change, or don’t know what to do with it, or don’t think they have it.)

And as time has gone by, I have also lost my patience with certain things “about” the church, -things I used to ignore, or didn’t think were that important. We all get frustrated now and then. But what has bothered me the MOST is the number of EASY THINGS which churches aren’t getting right. Slam dunk things, like having a real ministry to visitors, church accounting, and a standard of quality when it comes to communications.  You’ll see these subjects tackled in this blog.

To me the perfect church is NOT one that doesn’t make mistakes. Rather, the perfect church is one identifies and confesses it’s important weaknesses, and then tries to overcome them with more than just words and excuses.

It is my hope that this “On the Lam” blog will share enough truth to help your church and ministry KEEP people from changing their address. Finding a church home isn’t easy, and being “on the lam” sucks. To the extent I may sound bitter, I apologize. I really do hope my story can help yours.

<>< Neil, 2008