All six churches we’ve been visiting have had a good message and authentic worship, and I realize that picking a church shouldn’t be just about “appearances” and first impressions. But here’s the thing: a lot of the things we experienced are probably things they would change if they could, …assuming new member outreach is important to them. And more typical visitors might be put-off by some of the things we experienced, and never coming back.

I know from previous church experiences that once I fall in love with a congregation, I start to ignore some of the negatives. We all do that, but that’s not necessarily a good thing for those trying to attract new members. Some visitors don’t get past the negatives, and many of those negatives can be easily negated! I hope these posts help you do that.

I usually don't wear my hat to church.

Do you know what is it like to worship as a visitor in your Sanctuary?

You’re probably so familiar with it that you don’t really know. Surprisingly, the CHOIR has loomed large in the “visual impression” we experienced in all six churches.

In our last three church homes, we didn’t have a choir sitting up front. Yet, four of the six churches we visited featured rows of be-robed people sitting behind or next to the chancel/communion table.  That’s new to us, and let me tell you, in some of those churches, watching people stare blankly back at you is not that appealing. It can feel –cold. This is especially true if the choir is mostly older folks staring blankly back at you, -as they have in several of the churches we visited. Old faces can look “dour” due to gravity. It’s simply an unfortunate reality, and as you can see by my photo above, I’m not immune to gravity.

But here’s the thing: Some of the choirs were more visually prominent than others, and thus, their appearance left a major impression on us sitting in the pews. In one church they dominated the chancel area, and thus our field of view for 60 minutes.  And many of these prominent folks looked particularly dour. It left an overall impression of an “old people’s church.” The bland matching robes probably didn’t help. As a visitor, I have no connection with those people, so I don’t know how wonderful they are. In two of the churches, the choirs were tucked away.

The appearance of the chancel (front) matters. It’s what we visitors form a strong visual memory about because you have us looking at it for an hour. It’s colors and textures tell us a lot about you. Some churches are trapped by their architecture. But we all know there are things that can be done to affect it. I’m just saying that it is IMPORTANT to US VISITORS who don’t know your congregation yet. When I think of each of the six churches, I see the chancel.

What you can do
1) Talk to the choir members about their unique visual role.
2) Improve the demographics of the choir, such as, adding some young people.
3) Be careful about designing worship space that features the choir at the center.
4) Give the congregation OTHER INTERESTING VISUALS to look at up front.
5) Make sure you liturgy, movement, and demeanor projects what you want it to project, especially if your building sends another message.

The Pastor Up Front
Like it or not, visitors are watching the pastor, –intently. I know this because I have been a pastor-in-the-pew for over a decade ow, and we are on our third town and church shopping experience. The pastor is a major impresssion, not only how they act, but how they appear and move and interact.

Five of the six churches we attended had pastors who presented a “friendly moving target”. One seemed frozen behind the pulpit or in their “talking spot out front” for the announcements. One in particular seemed happy and natural in his movements. Others seemed a bit stiff or uncomfortable or professorial at times. One had some ‘stagey’ moments, –movements that looked a bit theatrical rather than authentic. As we have shopped for churches, my wife and I realize that “how the pastor was up front” also matched our opinion of the church and desire to go back.

Perhaps not so coincidentally, I also liked the sermon of the “natural moving target” pastor the most. It felt more authentic and personal. Moving around as you speak, btw, has the added benefit of causing people to focus, -it’s a brain thing. Suggestion: As the pastor, you probably don’t know how you come across. Ask someone to video tape your next two worship services, then watch it with some trusted friends. If you discover you’re not what you should be, get some professional help, -there are people who train teachers, sales people and CEOs to give presentations. Every pastor could benefit.

Sunday Software, New Tools for a New Generation

The “appearance” of the pastor mattered to us
I was kind of surprised to see ministers in robes in all six churches. Was sort of expecting to see some in suits or sleeves -especially after being part of an island church for the past several years. Pretty ‘formal’ still up here in Florida. Wonder why? Some of them acted like they were in robes too… a bit stiff. Now let me get even more ridiculous about the pastor’s appearance….

In all six churches they wore robes, though not all black. I was MOST intrigued by the “stoles” some of them wore, as some were bright and very creative. And not having seen such regularly for the last couple of years, it’s something that definitely catches the eye and creates an impression. In general, I would say that the TYPE of stole they wore did indeed reflect their worship style and message. Also have to say that the pastor in the blue robe and two who wore white robes caught my eye the most. Blue is nice, and so is white as long as it has a colorful stoll. I’m laughing as I type this…. these are things I didn’t think I’d didn’t think I’d notice as a visitor.  But yeah, I noticed how you were dressed. A lot of little things, including sub-conscious things, go into forming the visitor’s impression, and FOR US plain-ness apparently isn’t appealing!

I enjoyed the services, though some more than others. The pastors all seemed relatively approachable and pretty good at being in front of people. But that’s not the same as ‘personally reaching out’ to potential new members like us. Like it or not, pastor, we visitors are trying to make a connection with YOU as much as the rest of the church. That means YOUR SERMON is a major factor. As visitors, we’re trying to figure out if we “can stand listening to this person every week.” If that weren’t so sad and impossibly true, it would be hilarious. I liked the pastors who moved around and shared some of their own life experience in the sermon. But I winced when they went back into “boilerplate theological language mode” during their sermons, as if their seminary professor was grading them.

This isn’t the post to talk about their sermon “styles”, but suffice to say, they were all interestingly different, and that means that WE as Church Shoppers are being presented with some interesting choices. For you in the church, it means you have some interesting competition.

Our experience meeting the pastors AFTER worship was an important moment, and I addressed that in my previous “Part II” post here. I would recommend every pastor read it.

What does your church “SMELL” like?
It’s something we noticed. We walked into one church and it smelled like a funeral home. Could be due to the flowers or to someone’s over-use of perfume, but back in the car after worship both my wife and I mentioned it as a turn off.  I have dust allergies, btw, and that makes my sinuses sensitive to certain floral smells. Hyacinth make my head close down.

Recently, my wife and I walked in a local grocery store that smelled like rotting meat. The next time it still faintly smelled like rotting meat, …and we stopped going there. There now exists a huge amount of research data on the importance of ‘smells’ in how people perceive things. Retailers everywhere are treating the air their shoppers are breathing. Churches take note. (Add: my wife and I are even comparing the lighting and natural light between sanctuaries. In our last church on the island of St Croix, we didn’t have pews and the sanctuary was also the fellowship hall, so it’s not that our standards are high. In one of the churches we visited here, there was almost no natural light. What I’m saying is that we are comparing YOUR facility to the others we are visiting. And if yours lacks light, or ambience or some modicum of attractiveness, it is probably working against your outreach. Just saying.)

In my software ministry, I made a fun game for kids about the reasons why we should worship and go to church, and the excuses we use to avoid connecting! Click the image to see the program.

Church Building, Signage and Website
As visitors, we first checked you out by visiting your website. And I have to say that the style and quality of the website did indeed match our opinion of the church after visiting. That’s not a good thing for some, as in some cases the website and signage reinforced our visitation experience. I’ve written a lot up here about “making a better church website”, and our visitation experiences here simply confirm my advice about freshness and great photos.

In 5 of the 6 churches, we also did a weekday DRIVE BY before coming on Sunday. That seems kindof funny to me, but I guess we really were “trying before buying.” I really don’t know what we were looking for… perhaps just a sense of “can I see myself walking in there?” What do people see when they drive by your church?

As people relatively new to the area THERE WERE TWO PIECES OF INFORMATION that we really needed:   A map and worship times. I’d make sure those were CLEARLY MARKED on your church’s homepage and not buried in some crazy drop-down-slide-over menu that takes you two tries to figure out. Because we drove by your church, worship times out front are also helpful. In three of the six churches, it would have been nice to have more clear parking signage (as in “more parking back here”).  And in four of the six churches, the “campuses” were complex enough that we weren’t sure where everything was when we decided to explore your campus after worship. Yes, we wanted to see your classrooms and fellowship areas. Probably trying to imagine ourselves in there.

Here’s an interesting point:
I’ve signed up at three of the six church websites for their email newsletters. The other three sites didn’t have this feature. If I were in charge of visitation at those churches that DID have email newsletters, I would be paying attention to who was signing up, and contacting them personally. I’m sure the pastor doesn’t know how to check subscriptions, so I’m going to suggest they find out! One EZ way to set this up: have the webform send a copy of every new registration to the pastor’s email address. Or give the pastor a link to check the subscription list. Better yet, call the visitor and offer to sign them up yourself.

Things we heard….

The Liturgist and Scripture Readers
In our last two home churches most of the scripture readers weren’t very good. Many of them stumbled through the scripture like they were reading it for the first time, misprounounced words, and read the text like a horse heading for the barn. In the six churches we’ve just visited, some readers fared better than others, but most I’d generously give a B-.  This includes some of the pastors who did their own reading. They tend to make it all one run-on passage, and voice every phrase and line and character like the next. As a visitor comparing experiences in various churches (let alone for the members!), this is something that attracts or distracts.

Why should scripture be read with any less preparation and PASSION than the music, prayers and sermon? One church did better than most, and it was the one with the Associate Minister doing the reading. We heard some “better than usual” lay readers, but there was plenty of room for improvement.

The Prayers in all six churches were decent, though some were better than others. It’s hard to “pray the list” of everything everyone thinks is important. I could easily tell who was “reading” their prayer, and who was “praying” their written prayer, and who was “making it up as they go” praying. I prefer to hear someone who has crafted a good written prayer and knows how to ”pray” it aloud from the heart, rather than “say it” out loud from a piece of paper. (Note: It should be a heartfelt prayer and not a thesaurus-infused sermonette.)

My best advice for all six church liturgies is to SLOW DOWN (and drop the seminary language). You’re excited up there, but we have been sitting still. You have put us in a contemplative mood. Don’t race, and don’t try to fit it all in. Not only will this minister appreciate you losing the boilerplate religious language, but so will your seekers who are looking for something different than their parent’s church.

Speaking of hearing…
The music in all six churches has been of varying quality but all within “okay”. That was a surprise, though in one of the churches, the playing of the organ/piano seemed a bit overwrought and overly loud. I’m not a big fan of church-y choir or organ music, so I’m not going to pick a church based on who has the best choir!  (as long as it isn’t hideous)  I’ve come to appreciate that the choir is a way for the musicians and singers to express THEIR faith, so I focus on how THEY are into it, if not me. Please however, see my comments above about “how you look up there.” Several of the churches offered a contemporary service and we’re looking forward to exploring those next. One church choir sang to recorded music with backing vocals. It felt strange to us. One church played some soft music “under” the prayer, and that seemed out of place for our denomination…. kind of like “the way they do it on tv.”

Two of the six churches used projectors during their services. As a media guy, I was intrigued by my response –having never regularly experienced media in worship. It was “just ok”. I still like to hold the hymnbook. One of the churches used the screen to show announcements before worship, including a prayer list. Liked that a lot.

Some final observations…

We don’t have young kids, but we think they are a sign of a healthy congregation. In three of the churches we visited, we saw very few signs of a healthy kids ministry, very few kids (almost none in two churches), and when we went looking for classrooms we were rather disappointed in most. Yes, we’re in Florida, the land of retirement, -but all these churches had neighborhoods around them. It made us wonder “what’s wrong?”

After sorting out our impressions about worship in these churches, we are also looking for adult education and fellowship opportunities. Each of the churches we visited offered something somewhere in their calendar, and in two churches we were actually invited to come to a fellowship meal. We haven’t gone yet, but that invitation DID mean a lot to us. Worship is the place we need to feel comfortable in first, and if we don’t, your program won’t matter. One church had a visitors booth attended by a smiling couple with brochures on various ministries. That was impressive, but strangely enough, they didn’t ask us for our information. The one that gave us a Visitors Bag was also the most proactive about greeting us before and after the service, and asking for our contact info. Fortunately for us, the rest of the service and pastor also seemed pretty good, so we’re definitely going to give that church a LONG LOOK.

I hope you’ve found my 3-part “Visitors” discussion helpful, and pray that something in it helps your church’s outreach to visitors. I realize there are different churches for different folks, but in all my church shopping experiences over the past 12 years (yeah, we’ve moved three times!), I’ve often thought, “do they know how they come across?” and “you know, if only they would ___________.” Mostly, I realize HOW LACKING MY OWN LEADERSHIP has been in this area when I served in the pastorate. It’s been instructive seeing it from the pew, and some of the fixes are thankfully easy. I hope my experiences and suggestions stimulate discussion in your church and help your ministry.

We’re really excited about connecting with a new church home, and that’s the goal of all these posts…. to help churches turn visitors into members for the Glory of God.

<>< Neil MacQueen
www.SundayResources.net and www.sundaysoftware.com

We’ve now visited six local congregations in our new town looking for a new church home, several of them two or three times. Over the past 12 twelve years my family and I have moved three times, and thus done church shopping in three different places. Hoping this next church will be the last.

I’m sure each of the six churches would say that “welcoming visitors” was an important ministry. Each church seemed nice, had a nice service, and seemed to be doing some good ministry. But with the exception of one, their outreach to visitors was not one of those things, -if our experience was typical. More importantly, what they COULD HAVE DONE BETTER would have been very EASY TO DO. As I mentioned in Part I, we’re probably not your average visitor, especially considering that I’ve pastored churches. We also know we need to ‘overlook’ some shortcomings. The question is, will other visitors do the same? And why should a church leave stumbling blocks in place if they can easily be moved? With that in mind, here are some suggestions for you…

Dear Pastor,

1) Please have your CARD ready in your pocket when visitors walk up to you. None did. It will give you an opportunity to break the ice and extend an invitation for contact. Then do #2…

2) Please have a note card and pen ready to write down our names and a phone number as we come through the line and introduce ourselves.  We have signed six pew pads and marked ourselves as “visitors” but didn’t include contact info. In my experience, most visitors don’t. (We did, however, write a check for each offering that did have our contact info on it. This could be important information for a pastor. To date, only one of the six churches has gotten in contact with us, and that may be because I already knew the pastor.)

In the six churches we have visited, none of the pastors did either of these two things, and only TWO of the nine pastors in the six churches we visited followed up on us. I already knew two of the nine by acquaintance, and one of them did email me and invite me to a Bible study. One of the Associate Pastors invited us after worship to contact him, but didn’t have a card with him, and we had already put our church bulletin in the recyle bin by the door. On a subsequent visit, he greeted us again as we walked out and invited us again to contact him. I told him that I had put my email address next to my name on the pew pad. That was four weeks ago, no contact yet. (Yes, I guess you could say this is sort of a test. But I promise, we will not pick a church based on the perfection of the pastor or myth of our own infalliability! But is contacting a potential new member a good idea? Yes.)

3a) After worship, by the time we got to the pastor via the line, five of the six of you looked shell-shocked and worn out. I understand you’re a bit exhausted by worship and the greeting line. Been there! But as a visitor, we’re looking for a connection of some sort, and not just a worn smile. You should have a stock line you ask visitors to open up a bit of conversation.

One pastor, after saying “hello”, physically turned and stepped away from us for a moment to greet someone else, then turned to speak to us again. He seemed like a nice guy. Even after he talked to us, however, both my wife and I thought he seemed uncomfortable. This is someone who needs training because like they say, you only get one time to make a first impression.

In Part I of this series, I note the one pastor who was welcoming people BEFORE worship. That was nice.

Sunday Software, New Tools for a New Generation

3b) Free up time and space in the greeting line. Suggest to your long-time regular members that they bypass the greeting line if they see it is too long. And ask your members to talk to others in the line instead of shuffling quietly forward.

4) Tell your greeters/elders to stick with visitors they greet and offer them a tour, show them to the coffee (it’s not that easy to find in some churches), and introduce them to others, including the pastor. I’m happy to report that in every church there were members who took the time to talk with us. One couple in one church was especially welcoming, and that was a church we wanted to return to for a second visit.

One church did a great job of greeting us before and after the service, both the members and the pastor. One. (I talk about what they did in Part 1 of this series.)

5) During the “passing of the peace” one pastor did a wonderful thing. He asked his members to stand up FIRST, and look around to see the visitors seated around them. Then he asked the visitors to stand and everyone to pass the peace. It was very effective, and was exactly the opposite of asking nervous visitors to identify themselves first. After worship, several members made sure we were welcome. The following Sunday we went back to that church and he did NOT do it. And guess what, …NOBODY welcomed us after worship.

6) Okay, we signed your pew pad, BUT…. did you look at it the following week? I told one pastor I had signed and put my email address on it. No contact to date. We signed pads in most of the churches, and some fellow pew sitters did look at our name when it was passed back. But not everyone looked or passed them.

We have identified TWO churched we’d like to get to know more. Other than a nice worship experience, here’s what attracted us to them:

a.  The presence of families. Here in Florida, aka “God’s waiting room”, that’s not a given, but we think it’s a sign of health.

b. Pastors and liturgist with energy and a sense of joy.

c. Pleasant worship surroundings. (warm colors, textures and character). (Actually, one of the churches is in borrowed space, but it was their people who provided the warmth and texture!) Some of the other churches were nice and clean, but were nothing to write home about. When you are looking for a new “home” church, things like surroundings matter.

d. Good sermon.  (Which I would say includes the defintion: “5 minutes shorter than you think”. All six churches have had good sermons, but each could have been shorter.)

e. Alternative worship opportunities that look interesting.

f. Interesting Adult education choices.  “A year long study on The Gospel of Mark” isn’t very appealing to a visitor. Would have liked to have had adult ed immediately after worship too. This is something I’ve noticed about our “visitation” choices. We didn’t choose to come to adult ed before the service, but after the service, when we were already there, we would have stayed had you had an offering right after (and not 30 minutes later).

Interestingly, “proximity to our home” has turned into only a passing consideration. The two we are looking at more closely are 20 to 25 minutes away.

Check out my 1st and 3rd posts on this subject at http://sundayresources.net/neil/category/lam/ Each has some different observations and some suggestions for doing things better.

<>< Neil

This post is from http://sundayresources.net/neil/2012/04/09/looking-for-a-new-church-part-ii/

Learn more about Neil’s interactive lesson software about the
Ten Commandments at www.sundaysoftware.com/tenbrief.htm

I would never pick or discount a church based on one visit, but I think that’s what many ‘regular’ visitors do. First impressions matter. I hope the following helps your outreach to visitors.
————————————-

My wife and I are looking for a new church, ….again.

Having recently moved from St Croix to Sarasota Florida, we have been attending local churches in search of a church home. Several years ago in this blog, I wrote about the uncomfortable reasons why we left a former church (that post is in my “Neil on the Loose” category). Then in 2008 I wrote about finding our new home church on St Croix. Both were imperfect churches that we fell in love with, which as imperfect people meant they were a good match.  But each experience has helped sharpen our sense of what we’re looking for, and what we want to avoid. Having now made a permanent move to Sarasota Florida, we are on the hunt again, and needless to say, it has been interesting and enlightening.

Point of View:
Not only do churches want and need visitors, but my wife and I are also probably the kind they would really appreciate walking through their door. Why? Because WE ARE READY TO THROW OURSELVES INTO YOUR CHURCH -if you can get us to come back.

I am a Presbyterian minister doing a publishing ministry, and my wife is a former elder in the Church. I love to do C.E. and she loves fellowship and study. When we join a church, we come regularly, we sign up for stuff, we say “yes” when asked to help, and we give. We don’t expect a perfect church (see my comments about that below), but we are admittedly impressionable, attracted by friendliness, expecting to be reached-out-to in some way after we visit, are on the look-out for dysfunctions we’d just as soon not discover too late, and we do have some basic expectations.  So we are visitors with our radar up, and I imagine this is true of MOST visitors.

INITIAL OBSERVATIONS

The FIRST THING we did to LEARN ABOUT your church was go to your website. In fact, I first looked them up on my iphone. Do you know how your church website looks on a smartphone? Many don’t look that good. We googled churches in our area. Does yours show up high on the list? If it doesn’t, then we might not have seen you.

At only once church did they ask us “how did you find us?” In retrospect, that’s a good question each church should have asked. When we told them “via the web” they acted surprised.

We then did a weekday “drive by” of your church. Weird, I know, but it’s all part of the process. How’s your church look in a drive by?

Next, we checked your site to see if you had a children and youth ministry, and adult education offerings.  I personally consider the existence of such basic ministries A SIGN OF A HEALTHY CHURCH –even though our own kids are grown. This may seem like an obvious thing for a church to have, but I kid you not: TWO of the churches we have attended did not have a Sunday School, and none of these were small churches. In fact, in two of the churches we saw zero children.

Sunday Software, New Tools for a New Generation

We also read your  online “ABOUT US” statement.

I can’t imagine a visitor wanting to waste time visiting a church that will make them wince. But it’s more than just beliefs… we’re reading your tone and personalityand beginning to form an impression about you. You can tell A LOT about a church by the way they describe themselves.The “about us” statements I’ve been reading at many church websites often read like a conservative catechism (oy!) or seminary exercise (double oy!).  You are welcome to BE those things I may disagree with, but please BE SOMETHING MORE than just a pile of theological words. Preferably, PLEASE SOUND INVITING and ACCESSIBLE, –and leave off the boilerplate and flowery language, -unless you want me to conclude that this is how you really are.

(For more of what I consider to be a “better church website” go to posts in this blog at http://sundayresources.net/neil/category/churchsite/)

Next….we looked at worship times.
Seriously, 9 am for Worship?  8:30 AM for Sunday School? Who are they kidding. My wife works nights and some weekends. Not all of us like to get up early. 10 am is our “visitor” starting time, and begrudgingly 9 am –once we become members and get hooked.

ONLINE SERMONS MATTER, but…
I skimmed the pastor’s online sermons at four of the church’s we’ve visited. One didn’t have any.  Disappointingly, I didn’t read ONE that I thought was that good in writing, that is, until I clicked the “audio sermon” option on one site. It made me realize how important the AUDIO SERMON is to the quality of the content and judging  “the voice” of the sermon and pastor. With one of the pastors, I’m glad we heard them in person because their online content didn’t do them justice.

In our last church home, I did the website and wondered if anyone listened to the entire audio sermons. I THOUGHT it was important that they did.  Now I realized I WAS A LITTLE WRONG about that.  As a visitor this past month perusing your websites, I just wanted to get A TASTE of the preacher’s voice and demeanor. That was enough. Didn’t need to hear the whole thing. Word to the wise.

WALKING IN

All the churches we’ve visited so far did a nice job of greeting us as we walked in. And I have to admit, it felt good to be stopped and greeted.  One, however, immediately asked us to fill out a “hello” nametag rather than just talk to us. We put them on, then noticed that NO ONE ELSE in the congregation had a nametag, –not even the greeter at the door. The people did notice us during the passing of the peace and glanced at our tags. However, immediately following the service, NOBODY SPOKE TO US –except the pastor in the receiving line.  And neither my wife nor I can remember anyone at that church greeting us with THEIR NAME. (In subsequent churches this improved a little bit, but not much).

At one particular church they did an awesome job of greeting us. Several people came up to us, and I noticed one greeter get the pastor to come over and greet us. This pastor’s welcome contrasts to the huge mistake I used to make when I used to pastor a church. I hid out in the wings just prior to worship, making a few last notes, etc, –when I should have been out greeting people.

That same “awesome greeting church” also gave us a “Visitor Bag” –and I have to say, that impressed us. It had a colorful plastic cup with the name of the church on it, a newsletter and very nice brochure about the church. That was also the church where the pastor greeted us BEFORE worship and After, and emailed us on Monday. By contrast, in two other churches we visited where they did an ‘ok’ job of greeting us, –one had a visitor’s booth that waited for us to go up and get stuff, and neither of those churches ever followed up on our visit.

That “awesome greeting church” was also the only one of six that MADE SURE they had our contact info. After worship, one of their greeters asked us to write down our contact info and stayed to get it from us. Of course, now wondering if they’ll follow up on it in some way. See my suggestions about GETTING VISITOR CONTACT INFO in POST II on this subject at

WALKING OUT

Of the six we visited, only in 3 did people really try to engage us after the service. We joined the exit line to greet the pastor and most people just smiled. At two churches AFTER worship we stood around wondering what to do rather than just leave. Neither had anything planned other than coffee immediately following the service. The class “one-half an hour later in the parlor” at one of the churches doesn’t count because as visitors we weren’t going to stand there for 30 minutes. Had there been a group discussion a few minutes following, we would have walked in.

After worship in one church I had a GOLDEN INSIGHT.  In that church after worship only one person spoke to us as we milled out of the service. He was welcoming and enthusiastic about the church for a minute or two, but then as we entered the narthex, he left us to go talk to his friends. (Should have taken us over to introduce us around, IMHO, but I digress).  We stopped for coffee on the way out and accidentally bumped into a lady who immediately chatted us up. It gave me two good ideas…

1)  EVERY CHURCH should put a “greeter” by the coffee (not a server) to watch for visitors. Indeed, being greeted AFTER worship is as important as being greeted as we first entered your church. In sales, I supposed they would call this “sealing the deal”. We had questions and impressions AFTER worship and it would have been interesting to engage someone. But few churches engaged us after worship, and the line leading to the pastor, and pastor him/herself is a bit of a hog-wrassle.

2) Coffee should be strategically located between your visitors and The Exit, and clearly marked.  As a visitor in many churches over the years, there’s this golden minute or so of “what should we do now?” as you exit worship.  If we make it to the door without an invitation, we’re probably gone. And in a crowd, the coffee table is not so easy to find.

“PEOPLE LIKE US”
After the first couple of church visits, it became apparent to us how IMPORTANT the congregation’s demographics were to us. In the first three churches we visited, we were some of the youngest people in the service (and I’m 52!) In one church, my wife and I were definitely the youngest. Granted, we are in Florida, but there are plenty of un-retired folks living in the neighborhoods around those churches. Somehow, those congregations had driven themselves into a demographic hole. In one church they volunteered to us that they wanted to attract young families. They had a new minister and had just built a new million dollar sanctuary. But the minister appeared to be in his late 50′s, and they had no Sunday School. We wondered what dysfunction had allowed this to happen, but decided not to go back and find out. (The cost of their new sign would have paid for a part-time family ministry and new members pastor, …but I digress.)

I feel like I should say it again that we are not looking for the perfect church.
We are looking for one that “feels right” to us. One with an authentic air; one that seems friendly,  -one that has a “family feeling” in worship and not stiff, -and a message that comes across as heartfelt and hand-crafted, and not book-crafted or bland. We are looking for a minister who doesn’t put us to sleep -but also isn’t in a rush.

Now About the Ministers

All the ministers we’ve met have been nice, and each has been interestingly different. I’m sure I would enjoy hanging with each of them.

All the sermons we’ve heard have been interesting, though many lacked a bit of what I call “self-story”, disclosure, i.e. “what it means to me in my life” –that moment when the preacher because the listener.As visitors (and members) we can’t separate the message from the messenger. We’re listening for how YOU connect. This goes to our overall impression of your authenticity and approachability, and how we feel about coming back for another visit. Some of you did well on this score. Others need to work on it. (I make a few suggestions in subsequent posts here.)

Seems like many ministers I’ve known have two personalities: Public and Private. I find it disappointing when personable pastors put on their “holy formal” demeanor when they get up front. Noticed that in several churches we visited.

It would have been nice to be contacted by a church after we visited.
Only two of the eight pastors in the six churches have done so, –and they did it via email. No pastors have called. None have asked to visit. And we haven’t been contacted by any volunteers either. I found this odd because one of my jobs as an Associate Minister was to call/contact/visit the visitors, and several of the churches we visited expressed the importance of welcoming visitors in their liturgy, print materials, and website.

So Here’s a Tip:
Give us a “hello call” Sunday evening. Then send us a personal email on Thursday or Friday saying you hope to see us again on Sunday and mentioning what’s going on. As a visitor we begin discussing “where do we want to go THIS Sunday?” late in the week, and often on Saturday. A well-timed invitation might help us come back.

When asked about my background, or what I did for a living (which was rare, and usually I volunteered the info), I identified myself as a minister on the loose, and my wife and I said we were looking for a new church home. Many of the congregations here in Florida have retired ministers in them (though I’m not retired). I don’t know if that’s why they didn’t follow up on us. But why should it matter? (I realize these pastors are busy busy people with lots of mouths to feed. But reaching out to ALL potential new members in even a simple way would seem like an easy and important thing to do.)

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but the church music a major feature of any visitor’s experience, has been “okay” in each of the churches we’ve visited. One was really well done, but sounded a bit “high-church” for us. In several services we sang off of projected screens, which was new to us, and I have to admit it felt a bit strange and disconnected as a visitor who hadn’t previously experienced that.  In Post II, you will read more about how much the VISUAL impression of the choir loomed large in several church (and not necesssarily in a good way).

More to come…!

See all three posts on this subject at my Neil on the Loose category of posts
 

Last month the family and I brought our St Croix USVI adventure to a close and relocated to Sarasota Florida, otherwise known as, “civilization.” We had a wonderful 3.5 years on the island of St Croix and will miss our friends and church there very much. My wife is now working at Sarasota Memorial Hospital, and I have relocated our Sunday Software operations here to Florida. I’ve been visiting Sarasota since 1969 and our family has vacationed here many times.

Our heart goes out to St Croix which as we left was beginning to suffer from the effects of large layoffs in government and the closing of a refinery, the island’s largest employers. Tough times ahead and wish we could have stayed and supported the wonderful people. But family and job circumstances required us to get to Florida, and even now many of our island friends are moving as well as the economy there reels.

I’m looking forward to “church shopping” again, not only because we have to, but because there’s a certain excitement about finding a new church to throw your heart into.  In this blog, I’ve written about some of our past “church shopping” experiences, and in the coming months I’ll post again about what it’s like to be a visitor. It is my hope that you will be able to use some of my experiences and ideas to improve your own church’s visitor experience.

<>< Neil MacQueen

www.sundayresources.net

neil@sundayresources.net

Click the image to view Cal and Marty's Scripture Memory Game CD

I offer it in the spirit of “don’t let this happen to you, -or to families in your church.” At the end of this post I also offer suggestions for dealing with families/kids in your church who are dealing with old wounds.

I’ve also addressed in another post how “negative priming” affects our children and youth. You can read it at http://sundayresources.net/neil/2011/01/20/priming-the-science-behind-sunday-school/

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When we left our last church, it was emotionally wrenching for my wife and I.  But what we didn’t know at the time was how damaging it would be to two of our three children.

My wife and I recovered from that bad experience, and landed in a nice church. But for my oldest daughter, it happened at the wrong time in her life and when she shoved away from that church, she shoved away from all churches. This was a kid who grew up in a fantastic church experience… until we moved to another church which wasn’t so hot.

By the time the “not so hot” church experience was coming to a head and we were in the process of leaving it, my oldest was finishing college, –which isn’t the best time to feel connected to a church anywa.  As we were in that process, both she and her parents (us) starting seeing how several POOR EXPERIENCES she had had in that church as a teenager had become part of why we were deciding to leave.  My point here is that her parents decision to leave cemented in HER mind an opinion about “the Church” that has kept her at an arm’s length ever since.

Here's a great Bible game for kids.

This is one of the points here… that leaving a church can affect kids differently than adults. We processed it as “a failed church experience” whereas, she tended to process it as “churches are failed”.

Another of my daughters… my youngest, was the most connected in that former failed church prior to our leaving. And she was the most upset when we left. But she wasn’t mad or upset with her parents, rather, she was mad at the church. We involved her in the decision to leave. She knew everything and all the reasons.  And she had had some of her own negative experiences with the church & leaders.  But like our oldest, the trauma of leaving a church where she had previously felt connected and had friends SPILLED OVER into her feelings about faith and church.  Upon moving to our new church, she found it difficult to get involved.

Point: Teenagers smell hypocrisy a mile away, and don’t have the history or maturity to want to stick it out -or process it like their parents.

Point:  It’s hard enough to get a teen involved, but even harder when you still have a bad taste in your mouth from the last experience.

Our middle daughter had the typical middle child reaction to our leaving. She had a good experience at that church, and while she agreed with our reasons for leaving, and had some negative experiences of her own there. she didn’t have as much separation anxiety because she was leaving for college anyway and had already begun to separate herself. Plus, she was the middle child… trying to triangulate.

So this is what I want to say:

When a church loses a family, the consequences can be detrimental to the kids in that family in ways that can have a lasting effect. –And that’s the real tragedy.

Yes, perhaps the parents can land on their feet in another church (though sadly, many do not after they leave a church), but the kids may not have the “faith faculties” to deal with the fall-out left by leaving under bad circumstances. I hope my oldest and youngest do and we’ve talked to them about it.

It’s been 4 years since we left. Occasionally “that church” comes up, and we’re trying to let the disappointment and anger soften with age (and it has). It really helped to have landed in a better church.  But for kids, it’s not so easy.

We hope more time will heal their wounds, and that another church in their future will someday be exactly what the Great Physician ordered.

So here’s what I’m thinking about YOUR church…

If we came to your church. would YOUR church be the one that can heal what’s happened to two of my three kids?  Or will they find similar dysfunctions, sense irrelevancy, and stay away?

How many of your members have had “bad church” experiences that they are still hurting from?  A LOT.  A smart church would create a “Recovery Ministry” to those who have had a bad church experience, …because in talking about this subject over the years, I’ve realize just how many people have had these bad experiences and need to talk about them.

A smart pastor would open up this discussion with its potential new members and existing members (be prepared from the lingering pain). One reason for doing this is to close the “arm’s length” that many new members will hold the church and the pastor when they first start coming. It’s a natural reaction. (And I wonder if it’s the reason many members are “inactive” …because they got hurt, don’t want to open themselves up to caring too much again.)

A smart preacher would address the subject of “how to get over what happened in the past” in sermons, prayers, and study.  (…and “getting over your upbringing”, “getting over a bad parent” ,  ”a broken marriage”, etc. It’s a ministry and subject many avoid but is quite needed.)

A smart youth leader will talk to their kids about “healing” from old wounds. Kids tend not to have the experience to realize things can heal, or the tools to help them heal.

And what I would tell parents is this:  They would be wise to shield their kids from some of the reasons why their parents need to leave a church.  As in divorce, the kids can’t handle all the information. I don’t like that thought, but I think it’s true.

We didn’t shield our youngest as much as we should have from our anger and disappointment, particularly as it related to some of the actions and words of the pastor.  Slowly but surely she’s making her way back to the church. But at her advanced age (now 18) we’ve made church her choice.

In the end, I think it has been a great learning experience for her, but her arm is still stuck out a bit. She still talks about her faith in God. It’s her faith in the church that needs more healing. And unfortunately, teens tend to naturally have one arm already stuck out when it comes to faith and the church.

I hope this story and these suggestions help you and your ministry.

Neil

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Check out my software!

Check out my software!  www.sundaysoftware.com

Not that I think “chapel” is a bad word. Read on….

It’s primary mission seems to be to provide worship on Sunday -offering to God, and renewing our faith for the week ahead. Hence, my designation of it as a “chapel.” It has a very modest Christian education effort and modest mission effort. At least, that’s what it APPEARS to have -from someone who’s only been attending there for 5 months. And so far, it seems to be a very good “chapel.”

But the question I’ve been mulling over is this: Is it OK to be ”just a good chapel” -rather than a “go get’em” church by Midwestern standards? 

I’m defining “church” here by a 1970′s standard… the kind of church which many congregations today are trying to find their way back to:  the program church with a full staff,  full set of committees, a full calendar and budget. But let’s be honest: for most congregations, such a church is a mirage, -a vision in the desert that is UNattainable -no matter how hard you scramble to get to it.

Or worse… It’s a stick that leaders beat their congregational horses with (and themselves). The fruits of this labor have often been DYSFUNCTION  and frustration.  And the target of the frustration is often the pastor who was trained to lead chapel and pastor, not to be Joan of Arc.

And so far, my answer is, “Yes, it is OK to be a chapel instead of a church.”  This is especially true of a church which fails to be a quality church, leaving members frustrating and depleted. In the Chapel, the emphasis is on YOU, not on the church’s needs. It feels more like a congregation that’s just happy to be together, -where you don’t have to dress up (both literally and figuratively). And the message from the pulpit is not a drumbeating “what can you do for us here?”  But, “what are you doing out there?”

A few years ago I read an article about a different kind of congregation. It was fecetiously titled “The Church of the Unchurched.”   Predictably, the letters to the editor hated it.  I loved it. It was challenging.

The article described a church that did not schedule a lot of “events.” It didn’t have committees coming out the wazoo. Was not over-staffed. Wasn’t constantly asking for money. And didn’t track it’s members’ giving or attendance for that matter. It focuses on worship, and doing a few things well.

It’s a vision of a church that has FEWER expectations of its corporate life, but RENEWING expectations for its members’ personal lives beyond the church walls.

The Chapel eschews the idea of the “high-participation-church is the center of my life” model, -which many if not most churches secretly, if not openly, aspire towards. It replaces that with a church defined by what its members do “the other 6 days of the week“  in their various walks of life, -in their family, at work, in the community organizations and political causes they work in. And in their inner life.

The message of the Chapel is, “here we are… here’s the message. Yes, it’s good to be together -and we hope that we rub off on you, but you’re not a child, and we are not your parents.”

The Chapel church proof texts itself ”reason for being” with scripture about the individual’s inner life and outward ethics. It believes as did Paul that we are each responsible for working out our own salvation. It uses the words of Jesus when he speaks about outward appearances, and suggests that the Sabbath was made for man and not the other way around (the church is made for the needs of its members, whereas many churches have that backwards). 

Whereas, the “Church” proof texts itself with the book of Acts where you have old men in charge of you, and you may indeed drop dead in the congregation if you withhold anything!  :-)

Both models have their weaknesses. But there are forces at work in some churches that make the “CHAPEL MODEL” a better choice for some.

Geography is one big force at work. People in the ‘chapel’ where I attend don’t live near each other. They come from different communities to gather on Sunday. The congregation has a large number of snowbirds. The “chapel” is not the neighborhood church. 

Our chapel is also not necessarily attractive to young families (if they are looking for family ministry and a super-duper CE experience). It’s mostly people in their 40′s and up. We have different needs than the young baby crowd does. And in fact, there simply aren’t that many young families around where I live, and where the church is located. And older folks with older kids and grandkids -while they enjoy fellowship, don’t need it as much. They/we tend to have our “friends” already set and aren’t attracted so much by “program.”

Our chapel is also in a resort area which creates an interesting dynamic.

The Chapel may also not be  ”seeker’s” church. It probably isn’t a great first-church for those who don’t know Christ. Then again, it is probably a great place for those turned off by those who THINK they know Christ so well! And it’s a good place for people who are not great “joiners.” …ie, 40% of the average people in your congregation who feel inadequate about their membership. 

The Chapel church isn’t perfect, or right for everyone. But one of the APPARENT beneifts of being a chapel -which I’m happy to see after 10 years in a previous dysfunctional church, –is that you avoid many of the DYSFUNCTIONS that plague congregations still trying to REGAIN their former glory as a high-expectation churches.

Things I believe the “Chapel” church should do better…

Provide one-on-one spiritual guiding. The pastor in the Chapel church really needs to be a pastor to the individual, rather than the leader of a program.

Provide a way to highlight how members of the Chapel are living out the Gospel in their daily lives. More talk about that please!

Communicate better with it’s members. Provide think pieces and reading material.

- – - – - – - – - – - – -

I have asked myself the following questions in every congregation I’ve been part of:

“Why has God brought me here?  What does God want to show me here?”  
“What am I here to learn?”  “What can I do to help?”

God is not done stretching me, …or you.

<>< Neil

Update: We’ve been at the church for over a year now. So far so good!

…and now you know why this blog is island themed. I started it just before we moved to St Croix.

StX is about 60 miles southeast of Puerto Rico, and 2000 air and “cultural” miles away from Central Ohio where my wife and I grew up.

We are now living in Sarasota Florida.

I mention where we have lived for several reasons:

1. It explains this blog’s ocean graphics. I have saltwater in my veins.
2. Some people who read this blog think I still live in Ohio, or on St Croix.  I don’t!
3. It tells you a little bit about my perspectives, range of experience, and willingness to explore change and take a leap of faith.
4. The move and island experience taught me a lot about myself, my family, my priorities, about churches, and life in general. That was one of the reasons we decided to move to somewhere totally different, -to challenge us.
5. People who google “living on St Croix” occasionally find my blog. I used to have a lot more on this page “about living on St Croix” and if you want to email me questions, feel free. neil@sundayresources.net

While living on St Croix, I served as Parish Assistant at the St Croix Reformed Church, while continuing my work on Sunday Software. If you visit the island and see the 10kw Wind Turbine on La Reine Hill above Northside road, -I helped do that! I was the church’s grant writer and project coordinator.

How does a Presbyterian minister and Ohio-boy end up in St Croix?

It was one of those life dreams that my wife and I decided to make happen, –rather than waking up old or ill one day regretting that we had never done it.

Her job and mine gave us some interesting choices about where we could move. And given our age, and the ages of our children at the time, we realized we had what we called a “window of opportunity” to do something really different for a few years. For us that meant experiencing a different culture, a simpler lifestyle, and doing some serious scuba diving.

We weren’t and aren’t rich. We made a lot of sacrifices to get there, worked full-time while we lived there, and knew it wasn’t going to last. It was a wonderful experience and we miss it and our friends there.

Living on an island in the Caribbean is both wonderful and difficult.  I often told people that, “The best part about living on an island is -you’re on an island. And the worst thing about living on an island is -you’re on an island!”

The US Virgin Islands are experiencing a lot of difficult economic problems and social problems. If you’re thinking of moving to the USVI, I would strongly recommend reading the “Relocation” message board at www.vimovingcenter.com It’s a wealth of information about the islands, relocating, what to expect, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

In 2012 we moved our “Great Adventure” to Florida for several reasons. The island hospital where my wife worked had grown increasingly dysfunctional. Our kids were getting older and their needs were changing. And one daughter had some medical needs that couldn’t be met on the island.

We’re enjoying our new adventure in Sarasota, a place my wife and I have been visiting for many years. It definitely meets our need for saltwater and warm weather.

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Check out my Bible videos for kids over at http://sundayresources.net/biblevideos

For over a decade I woke up every Sunday “having to” go to church because it was my job. Then in 1996 that all changed. I became a “pastor in the pew” who’s full time “paid” ministry took place outside of the congregation where I was worshipping. And I wish I knew then, what I know now….

Dave Shepherd, a friend at a church I served back in the 80′s, once told me what I’m about to tell you, -only at the time I didn’t understand how important his advice was. 

Dave said, “Neil, every Sunday you need to remind me why I should be here, and give me a reason why I should come back.”

At the time I gave him the “trained & paid pastor answer” …something along the lines of ”because God calls us to worship.” But the truth is, I didn’t fully understand Dave’s question because I was being paid to come to worship. (Of course, at the time, you couldn’t have convinced me that I didn’t fully “get it.”)

Only after these 12+ years of being a “pastor in the pews,” rather than on staff, have I FINALLY figured out what Dave was getting at…

Dave was a volunteer member who had a choice every Sunday, every Thursday night, every Saturday morning TO ATTEND SOMETHING or NOT TO ATTEND. He was a really busy guy, and he also had a busy family life. That’s me too. And now that I’m essentially a “volunteer attender” as opposed to being “paid staff who has to come,”  and now having spent the last year “in-between” churches, attending them to find a new one, NOW I finally understand what he meant. …I finally “get why” his question/answer to me was so important. It’s amazing how many “legitimate” reasons you can come up with to NOT go to church some Sundays and some weeknights, –and STILL “feel like” (and maybe even “be”) a reasonably faithful Christian.

Oh, I KNOW all the reasons why that feeling is theologically wrong, …preached and teached it, my friend! But this is EXACTLY why I want to talk about this subject with STAFF PEOPLE who have forgotten what it’s like to have a REAL weekly choice about church.  …And how it plays out even more when you’re looking for a new church.  

Here’s a list of excuses I have used at one time or another during the past 12 years as an active participant in a congregation…

-health. If I don’t feel 100%, I may stay home. As a pastor, I went to “work” even when I didn’t feel good. And if my spouse or child was sick, it was even easier not to go.  

-your job. When I work a lot of hours the previous week or weekend, I can easily justify vegging-out some Sundays. And if your spouse works Saturdays or Sundays, it gets even easier. When I was a pastor on staff, I thought this was a lame excuse. But as a husband who’s wife works the occasional 12 hour weekend shift, church on Sunday morning isn’t always possible or desirable.

-family activities. Sometimes the weekend is so packed that something has to give. An out-of-town soccer match (which I’m not going to apologize for because organized sports can be a wonderful thing for a young person), grandma’s birthday party, and major weekend chores are not the enemy, they’re the reality.

-desire for a break. Sometimes being a member can be a bit overwhelming. Some churches wear you out.

-frustration with church. It’s easier to come up with any of the excuses on this list when you think the pastor or church has done something wrong, or aren’t doing certain things particularly right. I’ve experienced this many times.

-dressing up. Sometimes you just don’t want to get dressed up and go anywhere, especially if you’re good shirt or pants aren’t ironed (or worse, your wife’s clothes aren’t). This was worse when my daughters were younger and more concerned about their appearance (a reality). For us, being part of a ‘more casual’ church was a necessity. 

-the weather.  The nicer it is, the louder the birds are chirping, the easier it is to feel like morning on the back porch with a cup of coffee and the Sunday paper are God’s gift to your soul. Honestly, sometimes my spirituality needs quiet time, not cheezy organ playing time.

-sleeping in. Sometimes you owe it to yourself. Or you need it. Or you just do it. Not all of us are morning people, especially if your job makes you get up early 5 days a week. 

-I tired of what you present over and over again. Sometimes church worship is truly “average,” or uninspired, or poorly led.  Or the message is poor, or the music is tedious. Or it’s nearly the same all the time.  What staff are paid to create and coordinate, sometimes looks like what I could have done for free in half the time. And that undermines your sense of “needing to” be there, because you know that 2 out of 4 Sundays you’re NOT going to leave challenged or changed or feeling like you did more than “doing your duty.”  Yes, this is a dumb feeling. Theologically wrong. Be it’s a human feeling, so it can’t be ignored. Dave was trying to tell me this. As one of the pastor-leaders, I needed to pay more attention to EXPLAINING rather than ASSUMING. Or maybe as Jesus would have put it… make the sword sharper.

Some of my ”Sundays off” left me feeling a bit guilty. Felt like something was missing. But there were other Sundays I didn’t feel guilty or unfulfilled at all. And why should I? I’m the product of decades of preaching that emphasized the forgiveness and grace of God!

As a pastor I believed 110% in the value of “corporate worship.” But as a volunteer in the pew, it’s easier to be less convinced of that imperative, especially when “corporate” worship gets stale. As a volunteer I have found myself more willing to find spiritual nourishment outside of that imperative.

Let me reiterate: for me it’s not a spiritual problem. And it wasn’t for Dave either. What Dave and I need are reminders AND good reasons to overcome our humanness and competing priorities. When it’s your job to be there, it’s a settled question. And thus, the PASTOR has as much to overcome as the volunteer attender.

Things that would help….

1.  Give us something we have to DO on Sunday, other than just come sit in the pew.
Being a Sunday School teacher was one of the BEST WAYS to get me up on Sunday morning. It is almost like being on staff. You know people are counting on you. The choir people have this figured out too. And now that I’ve been looking for a new church, not having that class I gotta get up and teach, I miss it (I love teaching), and I miss how it helped me “be there.”

2. Give us VARIETY. Create a sense of expectation, and occasionally surprise us with something different. Resist the impulse here, dear pastor, to believe that the HONUS of expectations is all on the worshipper and not on the paid & trained worship leader.  Make the experience more compelling for those who don’t have the luxury of being paid to show up.  Over the years, the worship I was active in as a volunteer was sortof bland, but it put up with it because of other things in that congregation that were better. But when I left that church, I’ve since found that ‘visiting’ a bland church only leaves you looking for more, not joining.

3. Give us ALTERNATE and ALTERNATIVE OPPORTUNITIES to Worship. Stop putting our worship attendance all in the basket labeled “Sunday morning” and “same-old thing.” You don’t have to run out and create Saturday evening services, but how about mid week or Sunday evening services on occasion? (and get us involved helping you do it).

4. Don’t let congregational problems FESTER, or grievances go unaddressed. Nothing undermines good intentions and positive feelings faster. See my other ‘on the lam’ blog posts about that. As a visitor who has just come from a church with some problems, I was turned off by problems I heard about in the churches I visited.

5. Everyone likes to be “missed.” Leaders need to know who’s coming to worship, and who is NOT coming.  See my posts in this blog about the “Wide Open Backdoor” and the “Wide Open Side Door” and what to do about them. As I slipped out the backdoor of my former church, few really noticed at the time. As a visitor… you’re almost invisible. Read my posts about that!

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Now for something important to admit and learn from:

There’s a slip ‘n slide on a slope outside the church’s backdoor.

When you’re “in-between” church memberships, as my family has been this past year, -all of the above excuses are EVEN EASIER to use. As you may have read in this blog, my family and I left our church of the past 10 years and have been trying several different churches. In some ways, it’s been our own mini-Exodus.

This mini-Exodus has taught me is how easy it is when you are NOT a member of a particular church, to let a Sunday, or two, or even three SLIDE into “maybe next week.”  You begin to say things like, “well, WHEN we find a new church things will be different.”  But let me tell you, -finding a new church isn’t that easy.  

And like the Exodus story, the deeper into the wilderness you go, the easier it is to justify the wandering.  You get used to it. You start to become acclimated to the desert. You let other things fill the void,  ….and then, you also discover God is out there with you in the void. That your faith can function without a weekly sermon. And you don’t feel so bad.

The slope is slipperier than paid-staff realize. 

From my own experience, I can see how the longer you’re away, the easier it gets to redefine your spirituality as something that’s possible apart from a specific church.  …..And when you visit other churches and don’t get a good feeling of connection, thoughts begin to roll through your mind about whether church is really as important to you as you thought. 

My advice: work with Dave while you still have him! Keep him off the slippery slope!

<>< Neil 

I have edited this thing ten times. I’m sure some folks aren’t going to like what I have to say, or think I’m just ‘bitter’ as a way of avoiding the lessons here. I’m one of those people who does try to learn from my experiences, and share what I think I’ve learned.  I hope my story can help yours.

In the Fall of 2007 we left ”HPC” -the church where my family spent the last 10 years. Most of them were good years.  But over those years, things happened -or didn’t happen, that undermined our sense of belonging and well-being there, ..and our trust in the leadership. 

We were not your ‘average’ members. In fact, many people were surprised we left because we had been VERY active. The church is a small suburban church in a middle-class suburban neighborhood. A lot of nice people there -and we wish them well. In good conscience, however, we could no longer stay.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

It’s a horrible feeling to wake up on Sunday morning and not feel good about going to worship. 

…to sit there and be distracted by unresolved issues and feelings.

…to lose faith in various leaders and in the integrity of important decisions. 

…to go through the anguishing process of leaving some people and a place you had connected with. 

And after leaving… to feel like maybe you had wasted your time there, and wasted what you had to offer.

I’m a metaphor guy. And the one which makes the most sense to me about what happened at that church is “kindling and fire.”

“Kindling” is the small -but not insignificant stuff that is fuel to a fire. And the kindling for this blaze piled up over a ten year period. 

• Questionable decisions by the leadership.
• An often glacial approach to getting things done.
• The occasional poor choice of words or gruff behavior by the pastor.
• The occasional mishandling of finances and inability to pay bills, even though giving went up every year.
• A seeming lack of care about the appearance of things, -whether it was the building, or grounds, or communication materials. 
• Lack of a decent on-going Sunday morning adult class.
• Absence a new member committee -in the face of an annually shrinking membership, while the community around the church was experiencing exponential growth.
• Rotting exterior paint, nursery floors not kept clean, weeds by the main entrance and main doors (which we saw as symptons and signs of an attitude).
• A long range plan that was essentially buried.
• A building campaign that would saddle a shrinking membership with a large debt, and one which began as a need for meeting space, -but turned into a quest for a new sanctuary based on the misguided idea that the problem with membership was that the current sanctuary was inadequate -a premise which was debatable.
• “Easy made hard” …a phrase I found myself often using to describe so many things.

I could go on. 

Funny thing about all that kindling. Most of the time, it just looked and felt like “mud.” “Muddling along,”  -that’s how it felt over the years. You look at that list and think it must have been a bad place to be, but most of the time it just felt like things were muddling along. The pastor and leadership and membership did some things well, but were curiously uninterested, inconsistent, or incompetent about certain things -many of which wouldn’t have been tolerated in most other churches, including those I had previously been part of.  Some of us in the congregation even had a name for this muddling. We called it, ”the HPC way.”

But what I did not understand THEN, I have unfortunately learned the hard way… it wasn’t MUD we were stuck in, it was KINDLING. Mud doesn’t burn. Kindling is just ready for something to set it off. I wish I had figured that out before someone threw a match.  (And I wonder: how many other churches and members think they’re “stuck in the mud,” but really are standing in a pile of kindling?)

Why did we/they put up with it? Why did my family invest 10 years there?  
We really liked the church. We grew fond of many of the people there. Early on, we didn’t want to make too many waves. And because it was a small church, I think it was easy for them and for us to overlook things as “being a small church.” And we honestly thought things would get better. I think that’s the problem with many “relationships” that start out well. The warning signs were all there early on (see the list above).

Why did we finally decide to leave?
Kindling doesn’t spontaneously combust, it just piles up waiting for something to ignite it.

After years of quietly speaking up and trying to help, some new frustrations with that church occurred within in a short timespan.  And then the inevitable match appeared in the form of some incendiary words. …And up we went.

The pastor said the wrong thing to me at the wrong time. The youth leaders needed to get quick approval for a refundable deposit on a youth trip. I received permission from the pastor to ask the Session for it. They approved it unanimously. Then after the fact, the pastor acted jerky about it, -words he would later apologize for. But the match had been thrown.

We would have brushed off his words as yet another thing that shouldn’t have gone down the way it did, …but his inflammatory words were dropped right at a point in our lives where we were already struggling with things the church was doing (or not doing as was often the case). And our family had been talking about whether we were going to stay in town or move, and/or stay with that church.  

I suppose I could have “gone off” -some members do that. They start a rumble. But as you may know from my bio, I’m a minister who was only a volunteer in that congregation. I had no real official standing in that church. It would have been inappropriate for me to raise a stink. My wife was an elder, so we had some inside knowledge on a lot of stuff. And we knew others in the congregation, including some staff, who shared some of our concerns. Add to that the fact they we were already thinking about moving out of town in a couple of years when our last kid got out of high school. So we sat on our opinions thinking it wouldn’t be appropriate to raise our voices, and then leave. Wasn’t our style. 

And truthfully, their congregation’s personality and the pastor’s attitude weren’t going anywhere. They had been there all along, and those aren’t things you change with a strongly worded letter.

I don’t think God plans your life like a Triptik, but I’m sure that God wants us to pay attention to the road, and learn from the twists and turns, crash and burns. 

I’ve always felt there was something important for me as a minister to learn going from larger more ‘successful’ church experiences, to a small muddling one. And here’s what I think I’ve learned SO FAR….

The first lesson: I should have seen ”the handwriting on the wall” years ago. 

Over the years we did try to address and help with some of the problems. We occasionally spoke privately to the pastor, staff and various leaders. We offered ideas and volunteered to help. We wrote a few extra checks to help, and did some of the work ourselves. But mostly we tried to be patient. In our first couple of years we passed it off as “well, they’re a small church,” and “maybe our expectations are too high, and it’s not our department.” “Maybe they can grow without a new member committee?”  “Perhaps their occasional inability to pay bills was a fluke.” “Maybe the pastor didn’t really mean what he said.” “Maybe they’ll get around to cleaning it, repairing it, weeding it, changing it.” “Maybe this year they’ll start a decent Sunday morning Bible study for adults and stick to it.”  “Maybe maybe maybe.”  In hindsight, by the tenth or eleventh “maybe” we should have seen the handwriting on the wall, and quietly found another more “kindling free” congregation and pastor.

The second lesson: Over time, “maybe” wears you down. Not dealing with things starts to undercut your sense of trust and well-being in a congregation. And not fully expressing your frustrations to the leaders doesn’t help either. That was the hard part for me, as a minister-in-the-pew on occasion I had to bite my tongue. And over time, you get worn down by the frustrations.

The third lesson is that TIMING MATTERS.
The pastor’s criticism was ham-handed, but maybe it would have blown over had it not come at the wrong time and in the midst of some other gaffs.  Example: His incendiary words arrived by email(!) to me about two hours after he had met with my wife (the elder) to set up -at her suggestion, a new member and evangelism committee (the first in ten years for that church). Rather than be complainers, we decided to ADD to our list of things we were doing over there, and help organize what the church had been sorely lacking for many years. The pastor was enthusiastic about that, …which made his “email in the face” two hours later all the more bizarre.

And… it came on the heels of a projected $30,000 budget shortfall that my wife the elder felt was being swept under the rug. To compound the situation, we had just been asked to make a major pledge to the new sanctuary campaign -about which we had some misgivings. We had decided to trust the leadership and support the building project, -even though we were thinking of moving out of town. 

And it was coming from a pastor we knew had told the Session during its decisions about “whether to build”  that he would leave if they didn’t build it. (Incredulous, I later personally asked him if that were true and he said “yes.”)  The kindling was dry dry dry.

The fourth lesson: There ARE limits.
We’re not quitters. My wife and I wrestled with our frustrations for years, and were trying to work things out and stay involved right up to the day the pastor dropped the match. Even afterwards, we took pause and gave off alarm signals. We reached out to friends in the church, and family for advice. But in the end, we decided that there were limits to what we were willing to put up with.

In any church or family, you will experience things you have to overlook, forgive, or confess you may be wrong about. We’ve had to do that in all the churches we’ve been part of, in our own family (and I with myself). But when your relationship with a particular congregation or pastor becomes, -over a long period of trying to make it work, -both personally strained and spiritually eroding, and you can look back and honestly say “I tried, and tried, and tried again,” -then it’s time to shake the dust from your sandals, for your benefit, and sometimes for theirs as well.

We decided to leave rather quietly, -telling only a few people the reasons why we left.  We knew the church was in the middle of some difficulties and trying to raising a lot of money, and so we wanted to respect the efforts of some good people who had different expectations and pain thresholds.  

(Of course, this “blog” post isn’t quiet. But I’ve given it a LOT of time and thought, -and distance. I wanted to tell our story so that maybe it would help a church -or pastor understand something about “members like us,” or see problems in their own church which need to be addressed. I used to disparage members who left. But now I understand they sometimes leave for the RIGHT reasons, -reasons which ANY congregation can learn from). 

Advice to Whoever:

1.  The Bible says muddling along, -being “luke-warm” is a sin.  Muddling erodes trust. Some members will eventually walk away rather than muddle along with you. And… those that remain will likely be “enablers” of more muddling. And…  any new members you gain will likely be low-expectation muddlers themselves. I for one will also never mistake mud for kindling again. In our next church (which we are already attending) we are asking a few more questions, and looking a little more carefully for the warning signs.

2.  When a church fails to take care of the basics, such as Bible Study, paying bills, or weeds, it erodes the church’s credibility with some of its members who care that basics are not being addressed. And down the road the leadership will undoubtedly need to DRAW UPON it’s stockpile of credibility to overcome a serious problem, a “gaff,” or meet an important need. It’s like the parable of the talents… if you bury the one talent, you probably won’t be given any more. Fail at the small things, and the big things will be that much more difficult to sell. Ignore the basics, and some people will leave or fade away.

3. Every church should have an OMBUDSMAN. This old-fashioned position is a trusted wise person who listens to complaints and concerns, and tries to make sure they get addressed.  I have found that most active members will not speak their mind in large groups, or meetings. Rather, they will express their heartfelt opinions and concerns in private conversations, and in the parking lot after the meeting. Or with their feet. The pastor can’t be the ombudsman because many times the concerns are about them. We could have used one, but muddling churches don’t think this way. Over the last two years in that church I was contacted by members, chairpeople -including the chair of personnel, and even a staff person who wanted my “opinion” about what was going on. They were talking to the wrong person. I needed an ombudsman too!

4.  Churches need to have a mechanism to identify members who are in distress before they either turn into low-expectation members, –or start to leave. We weren’t the only ones over there in distress. Some have since left, others left or retreated in the years preceding us for reasons similar to our own, and likely some others will fade or leave in the future. After we left, we even ran into an older woman at another church who had once been very involved in HPC prior to us getting there. Disturbingly, she and her husband left ten years ago for many of the same reasons we did. ESPECIALLY in a small church where the difference between vitality and mortality is just a few families, leadership needs a way to identify problems and members in trouble. 

In our case, a simple check of our sliding attendance over the three month period when we began to pull back (before the incendiary event) -would have been enough of a red-flag. And our careful but obvious response to the pastor’s incendiary words should have set off a smoke alarm. Our reaching out to friends and two staff members in the congregation about our distress should have set off a bell and prompted a bigger response. But like so many other things in that church, nobody wanted to deal with some of the issues. Or they didn’t think we’d really leave. A well-timed visit and well-chosen words from certain leaders may have kept us from walking. But honestly, even if we had stayed, we’d have been different, -less trusting, less involved. And that wouldn’t have been good. (And we also suspect some were glad to see us go. Few leaders and pastors want people around who think things should be different. This is part of the problem in churches… the Emperor doesn’t like to be told he has no clothes.)

Epilogue:

Since first posting this story, many have emailed me with words of consolation and hope. Many have shared their (unfortunately) SIMILAR experiences in other churches. Several members of our former church have contacted me after reading this. Some have thought about leaving for many of the same reasons stated here. One said I shouldn’t be saying this publicly about his church, “even if they are true.”

Update: We have landed in a new congregation. But we are taking our time to observe the people, pastor, and processes. Friendliness is not enough. 

<>< Neil

- – - – - — – - – - -

Check out my “Wide Open Back Door” post for more about what I learned from this situation, and how churches can identify members in distress before it’s too late.

If you suddenly stopped showing up, would anybody notice? More importantly, would anybody do anything about it? You’d like to THINK so. But our last three church experiences answer that question with an unfortunate “no.”

The Wide Open Back Door…

We attended one church for ten years and were very involved there. But after a long list of our concerns went unaddressed (lack of adult education, the lack of a new member committee, and the inability of the church to pay its bills on time, their inability to keep things clean and repaired such as the nursery, –we found ourselves attending less and less, and eventually decided to go elsewhere. (Read “why we left our last church” in this blog)

It’s a common story. Many members don’t just stop coming, they first start coming LESS. They fade away. Until one day, they aren’t coming any more.

In this blog I hope to answer the following questions:

1. WHY do churches not realize a member is fading until it’s too late?

2. WHAT can be done to catch fading members before they’re completely gone?

3. And How and what can the congregation learn from it’s members exiting through the back door? 

Fading out can be found out…
After we cut back our attendance to only once or twice a month… no one noticed. Then for a month we didn’t show up at all, and no one said a word. Then two months, and still no response. Yet a simple check of worship attendance stats would have raised a red flag. Yet this church had NO SYSTEM IN PLACE for noticing who had stopped coming.  They entered worship attendance data from the pew pads, but nobody was reading the data.  Makes you wonder “how many other members have they lost and still don’t know they’ve lost them?”  The church where this happened to us only had 210 members. A church that small can’t afford such ignorance.

No church of any size should care so little about “fading,” especially when the solution is simple and cheap: Religiously input the data, and then remember to religiously READ the data!

[In my other blogs in this thread, you can read about our "Side Door" exits from two other churches. In each of those cases, fading through the sidedoor could also have been found out by a simple reading of worship attd stats in a timely way.]

Fading needs a response….
Our fade didn’t take place over a few weeks, it too place over MANY months. After pulling back a bit, we told some people what we were thinking.  We told a staff person and two elders in the church we were having serious problems with some things. Nobody connected our frustrations with our growing absence on Sunday. Big mistake -for them. And yes, it would have mattered A LOT had some of the leaders or pastor called us to talk, asked to stop over, asked us to stay and work things out. Our Fade was not cast in stone, but quite honestly, we felt like we had ALREADY talked and not been heard on the issues. We were in a period of “limbo” …wondering if we mattered. Wondering what it felt like to NOT be part of things there. Wondering how much we’d miss it. It was a “trial separation” on our part.

Had they noticed and done something would it have made a difference? We’ve often asked that question. And here’s the answer: Even as we were fading, I was doing some youth group planning for the coming Fall program year. Had the team and DCE over to my house for a meeting. I was hoping our fade would subside. But that’s when the last and final nail in the coffin was driven. An elder took issue with our youth leadership’s request for a refundable deposit on a youth trip the next summer. She opposed the idea, but the Session gave it their unanimous approval (this was the first Session meeting there I had ever attended!). Then the pastor, who hadn’t opposed it at the Session’s meeting, laid into me about it AFTER the approval.  Had this happened in any other year, against any other backdrop, I would have let it slide. But we had been in a trial separation mode for two months when the dope stuck his foot in his mouth. And it was the last straw, and we haven’t been back since.

>Say what you will about an individual episode, but I know from dealing with fading members in previous churches, that it’s usually a NUMBER of episodes that pile up, NOT a single event,  –which contribute to the slow fade towards disengagement.

This episode raises the importance of READING THE SIGNS. Had the pastor or anyone been tending to the flock’s statistics, and had their ear to the ground about our concerns, the “last straw event” probably wouldn’t have gone down. Instead, he would have been engaging us on the larger issues we had been throwing off serious signals about. Remember, it was a SMALL church.

Sometimes you can’t close the backdoor but you can learn from those who have walked through it…
Fading members can help the church identify serious problems. Even when we sent a letter saying we were done, the only response we got was a letter a few weeks later asking our children if they wanted to remain on the rolls. We heard that some members were told the WRONG reasons why we had left. Most members we’ve since run into were left in the dark. Yet when we see them in public and tell them our reasons, many say “we’ve had the same thoughts.” When a very active family leaves, you should assume that “where there’s smoke –there’s fire.” We know of two other families who have since left for reasons similar to our own. 

I’ve been on church staffs and must admit, we paid NO attention to the back door. When members left we usually paid them little attention. In some cases, we said “good riddance.” But now that I’ve gone through that door myself, I see what folly it was not to take those people seriously, and at least try and learn from them. The “public reason” they or a pastor often gives for their leaving is probably not the entire reason.

In large businesses, it is customary to perform an “exit interview” –believing that ex-employees will tell you things they wouldn’t have if they were still on the payroll.

Research has shown that most members fade away NOT because they “lack” concerns, they fade because they have them! (like we did) and they are going unmet. Their spiritual enthusiasm fades, their needs go unmet, their skills go untapped, their ideas or critiques go unheard, and eventually they move into the category of “the unchurched” –months before the churches notices.

Let me suggest an OMBUDSMAN MINISTRY:  A person who is the designated “complaint hearer.”  Couple that with a regular reading of statistics and you just might be able to narrow down the path to the backdoor. Or at the very least, you would learn how your church is not meeting the needs of some members.

—-

Read my article on PROMOTING Sunday School and Welcoming Vistors over at www.sundaysoftware.com/promoting.htm It has a lot of good ideas in it.

You may also be interested in my article on the WIDE OPEN SIDE DOOR  … a true & rather sad story of a congregation we visited for over 8 months. http://sundayresources.net/neil/2008/04/20/the-wide-open-side-and-back-doors/ 

The Wide Open Side Door…

Sidedoor = the one visitors exit through.

After leaving the church where we had been members for 10 years, we began exploring other churches. For about 3 months we investigated my sister’s church. It is a large, well-staffed, wealthy downtown congregation. That church had a lot of nice folks, great social ministry, and good adult ed. But if our experience was the norm, dealing with visitors was not one of their strengths.

We visited that particular BIG church about 8 times. And eight Sundays no one from the church ever walked up to us after worship to say hello, -unless my sister was with us and they were walking up to her and she introduced us. People smiled and nodded, but “approached” in more than a polite smiling way -we were not.

The greeters were polite but never gave us more than a “welcome” (a brochure about the church would have been nice). At various times we took the initiative to approach the three ministers after worship and they were nice. Interestingly, there was always one standing by the main door saying good-bye to everyone. And they had a volunteer standing behind them taking notes, but only if you had a pastoral concern. The minister would turn and tell the volunteer, “Ellen’s mother is sick,” and the volunteer would dutifullly write it down. But not once when we identified ourselves as visitors did the minister have their volunteer write down anything about us. A missed opportunity.

We religiously signed the pew pads, but never received a call, and never received a newsletter. We did receive an invitation to join the new member class –three months after we stopped going there. This confirmed A LOT about that church –after we already had the inklings.

The youth pastor or youth leaders (whoever they were) also never approached my teenager. [I add this last "never" because I was a parish minister in two churches, and I considered it my JOB to make sure I spotted visitors and said hello to their kids. Those two churches grew while I was there too, not because I was wonderful, but because of our intentional outreach to visitors. People like to be noticed!]

I did once get an email from the pastor (with whom I had a passing acquaintance). It came about two months after we had started to attend. She wanted to know why we were no longer attending our former church and didn’t want to “poach” us from our former church. I emailed her back we were looking for a new church. And that was the last I heard from her. [You know you can right click an email in Outlook and select "follow up" and set a "reminder" to reply back to someone at a later date? The wonders of technology.]

Three months after we stopped going there, we received our first letter from that church. The letter thanked us for our “regular attendance” and thought we might be interested in joining the church. The letter had both our street number and zipcode incorrect but still got delivered.  The letter was dated April 2nd, postmarked April 8th and arrived April 15th. The new member class mentioned in the letter started April 13th, two days before we got the letter, and only 5 days before the letter was mailed. I should mention that we religiously signed their pew pads, my handwriting is legible, and they did cash our checks which also had our address on them.

How does a church with great ministry and tons of staff blow something this simple and important?  Where was the contact after our first visit, or second, or third?  Why weren’t we mailed a newsletter?  And how could they invite us to join without realizing we had stopped attending?  And how could they get the address wrong, and mail an important letter so late? There’s no excuse because the process is just too easy set up and execute. Entering us into their computer should have generated a letter, put us on the mailing list, and flagged us for follow up. And generating a mailing on time is what staff is being paid for.

We slipped through the sidedoor, and I doubt they even know they left it propped open or did anything to point us in the direction.

Postscript:  That church is a wealthy old downtown church which spend millions of dollars fixing up their building, and now has a huge debt it is having trouble servicing. They began cutting staff, including the CE staff, and their membership continues to shrink. 

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

A Previous Side Door…
In 1996 our family moved back into town and spent a year attending the church where my wife and I had grown up and been married. During that year we were never invited to join, which is probably a good thing because we would have said “no.” The pastor at that time was, –well let me just say “he had issues.”  They had other problems too, one of which I’m going to describe below. 

The Side Door Opens Up…
But it wasn’t all that pastor. We got a lot of odd vibes being back in our home church, and the following “vignette” pretty much sums them up.

One Sunday morning on one of our first Sunday’s back in the congregation, my two youngest daughters walked up to the coffee table after worship looking for juice, -only to be told that the church only had water for the children. Later, I asked the pastor and DCE about this, and they confirmed that it was the policy of the church to offer coffee and tea to the adults, but only warm tap water to the children. This policy bother the jerk pastor (no surprise there) but the DCE didn’t have much to say about it either. And yes, they had tile floors so “the mess” wasn’t an issue.

You might think is a minor issue, but remember I said “this one sums them up.” The church had friendliness problems, among other things. And remember, we KNEW quite a few of the people there! They were leaking young families too. The lack of juice was merely the poster child for the little things that didn’t seem to mean a lot to them.

The Push out the side door…
The final push out the door happened one Sunday sitting in adult ed class. We heard people talking about “the class party” they had had last night. I asked, “when was that announced?” And they said, “in last week’s class” -which I had missed because I had helped teach a children’s class. When I asked the DCE why they didn’t mail a calendar or a postcard reminder, she told me (and I’m not making this up) that they “didn’t have postage in the budget.” Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. This was a wealthy suburban congregation of 1000 members. 

Jerky minister, no juice, no postage. 10 others things I’m not mentioning here, –and we were out of there.  Within 3 months the Associate Pastor left that church, and a year later Rev Oddball was gone too. But by then, we had landed at another church which served juice.

In through the front door one more time…

For the next ten years we were active members in a ”juice serving” church –which also happened to be closer to home. You can read about that experience in other posts here. But now it’s 2008, and during the past few months since leaving our “10 year church” and since not going back to that downtown church, we have gone back three times to attend our “former” church. The jerk was gone, the juice was back, and we assume they finally got a postage budget.

I liked the ‘new’ pastor there a lot. She knew we were in-between churches and enthusiastically greeted us the last time we were there. But we have yet to hear from that church. No letter, no newsletter. Apparently they HAVEN’T solved their postage problem!  

[On Easter Sunday how many local people who are non-members come to your church? Wouldn't you send them a card or newsletter inviting them "come again" ? That was the last time we went back to our home church which is just 4 miles from our house. Signed the pewpad with our address and spoke to the pastor. Yet, no follow up.]

At this point, you’re probably asking, “what’s wrong with Neil and his family?”
I don’t blame you. Apparently we have horns.

My wife and I are not PETTY church-goers. We would not base our attendance or joining on receiving a piece of mail. The point is that all churches should be more pro-active about such matters, especially those which have lost members (like all of the three mentioned in this blogthread). And quite likely, most of the members of the churches described here would be aghast, surprised, and embarrassed that their church dropped the ball on such a simple thing.

It’s 11 p.m.  Do you know where your “Visitor Welcome Process” is?

We know every church has its issues. But in this day and age of Computers and Databases there is no excuse for a church not generating even a simple postcard after your first visit. And we’re not even beginning to scratch the surface of WHAT ELSE TO DO to attract visitors! 

If you’ve read this far, don’t assume YOUR church is doing the right thing!  Ask.

Which brings me to the concept of “Standard Operating Procedures.”

“SOPs” are practices you have in place to avoid mistakes you cannot afford to make. They are so basic as to be UNDEBATABLE. Lacking them, or not following them should be grounds for a pastor’s removal. A church or committee which fails to implement them should be punished by having to lead the next Jr. High Retreat.

SOP #1: Staff needs to actually read the pew pads that visitors sign and follow-up on them within a week. Make them a Monday morning priority.

SOP #2: Appoint someone to be in charge of visitor follow-up. This used to be the pastor’s responsibility, but apparently they are too busy complaining about attendance to do anything about it. ANY timely follow-up is better than none.  Speaking from experience, we would have loved even a lowly postcard.

SOP #3: Make visit and new member follow-up a measurable stat that gets discussed in personnel performance review. 

SOP #4: Every pastor should have cards made up and stuffed in their pockets to hand out on Sunday. They should be nice looking ones, not business card boring, with their church and home phone listed, and an invitation to call them. Every visitor they meet should get one, and the pastor should also write down the visitor’s name and phone number on a card in their pocket.

SOP #4:  First item on the staff’s regular meeting and the membership committee’s monthly agenda: who have we contacted since the last meeting?

SOP #5:  After a visitor has visited 2 or 3 times and obviously stopped coming, a very nice person and good listener from the church should call that visitor and listen to why that visitor stopped coming. You can learn a lot from former-visitors IF you choose to listen.

If you have other SOP’s you’d like to add to this list, please leave a comment.

<>< Neil

———————-

Read my post here on the Wide Open BACKdoor!  http://sundayresources.net/neil/2008/04/20/the-wide-open-backdoor/

You may also enjoy reading my ideas for Promoting Church Attendance and Attracting Visitors over at www.sundaysoftware.com/promoting.htm It has a lot of good ideas in it.

I’m going to kick off this thread by telling you something not many people know about me.  I have tried three different churches in the 12 years since I left my full-time minister/parish work and moved my family back to Ohio to start my CE software ministry.  Each of these three church experiences taught me things, nourished me in many ways, but also highlighted some real problems in the way churches operate.

During these past 12 years “on the lam” I have often told people that I thought God wanted to teach me something about the church. And that he has… about the church, and about myself.

This blog thread is meant to share my experiences and observations about ”being on the lam.”  I’ve been chuckling about the double-entendre here. “Lam” and “Lamb.”  “Lam” is the Norse word for “thrashing” …and is etymologically related to the word “lame.”  Another funny double entendre for sure. Thrashing is also etymologically related to “threshing” …the process of separating the wheat from the chaff.  This blog could have easily been titled, ”Separating the Wheat from the Chaff.”

I’m fully aware that when a person points the finger, it is best to begin with yourself. Moving from “trained minister on a staff of an excellent church” – to “volunteer and quasi-member in three not-as-excellent churches” has been challenging.  If you’re a parent, you can relate. Watching your kids make the same mistakes you and I once made is painful. It’s even more painful when those kids are adults, or church staff, or an entire congregation.  There have been numerous occasions where I wanted to speak up, but felt my “not on staff and not technically a member” status meant I should stay quiet.

As time passed, however, I’ve increasingly become less willing to sit on the sidelines and shut up.

For better or worse, I changed over the years. Somewhere in the late 90′s I lost my ability to hide my incredulity.

When you’re on the church’s payroll, you learn to be somewhat politically correct. You learn not to speak the truth in love about the senior pastor or certain volunteer leaders because you then have to deal with the fall out. And when you’re in the pews, you also don’t want to be a complainer or overstep your place.  And quite frankly, volunteers who complain or have ”inconvenient truths,” get marginalized.

In some ways, being a minister-in-the-pew is a little bit like being Dorothy. While some parishoners treat the minister like they’re “The Great and Powerful Oz,” -I’m not afraid of pulling the curtain, in part, because I’ve been back there.  Or to change the metaphor…  as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten less afraid of tugging on Superman’s cape, and more convinced it needs to be done!  (Without a doubt, pastors have enormous power in the church, and many don’t use it for real change, or don’t know what to do with it, or don’t think they have it.)

And as time has gone by, I have also lost my patience with certain things “about” the church, -things I used to ignore, or didn’t think were that important. We all get frustrated now and then. But what has bothered me the MOST is the number of EASY THINGS which churches aren’t getting right. Slam dunk things, like having a real ministry to visitors, church accounting, and a standard of quality when it comes to communications.  You’ll see these subjects tackled in this blog.

To me the perfect church is NOT one that doesn’t make mistakes. Rather, the perfect church is one identifies and confesses it’s important weaknesses, and then tries to overcome them with more than just words and excuses.

It is my hope that this “On the Lam” blog will share enough truth to help your church and ministry KEEP people from changing their address. Finding a church home isn’t easy, and being “on the lam” sucks. To the extent I may sound bitter, I apologize. I really do hope my story can help yours.

<>< Neil, 2008